Money Jokes

*bursts into bank EVERYONE DOWN ON THE GROUND *everyone lies down EVERYONE CLOSE THEIR EYES *everyone closes their eyes EVERYONE NAP

My daughter just asked for a Samsung Galaxy phone. Had to sit her down and explain to her we aren't poor. #iPhone

If God wanted to impress me with his 'miracles' he would've impregnated Joesph, not a poor unwed teenage girl. That shit happens every day.

Skywritten letters: SUSAN I DON'T HAVE A LOT OF MONEY FOR THIS WRITING BUT THIS IS HOW I WANTED TO PROPOSE; WILL YOU MAR

I saw Mommy kissing Santa Claus. Then I saw her arguing with him about money. Now I see Santa drinking by himself.

Just found a $5 bill in the dryer. -Adds money laundering to criminal resume.

Lord, give me patience because if you give me strength then I'm gonna need some bail money on the side.

50 shades - only romantic because the guy is a billionaire. If he lived in a trailer, it would be another episode of criminal minds

I sponsor one of those poor kids on TV. He sends me nice letters, I mail him pictures of me smiling, throwing away food.

Bank ads make me want to hide my money under my mattress. They also make me want to acquire some money for hiding, but that's a side issue.

My money is on MySpace to take the Gold in the Downhill Competition.

Her: Sir, you account has been hacked. Me: Twitter? Her: No. Your Bank acc. Me: Ooooh Thank God.

*Bursts into bank* Robber: THIS IS A ROBBERY. HANDS UP. THIS IS NOT A DRILL. Bank clerk: No that's clearly a shotgun 2nd robber: OOOH SNAP!

How about the No Bucket Challenge? Basically you just give a charity some money and don't tell anyone about it.

*at bank* I always think it's funny when I go to the bank because my last name is Banks Teller: "haha. First name?" *Pulls out gun* Robin

Being an adult is 90% worrying about money and 10% spending money you don't have on treats because you've worried a lot this week.

Me: This is the year I'm going to save money. Also me: *googles, "how to purchase a baby elephant?"*

COP: Can you describe your attacker? ME: No COP: Didn't you see him? ME: Yes, but I have a poor grasp of adjectives

[First day at New Job] New Boss: When in Rome do as the Romans you know? <Slaughters entire office and imposes grain taxes on peasantry>

nothing saves money like being antisocial

Me: *texts* How'd you sleep? Him: *texts* Horrible...I was tossing and turn- Me: *crawls out from under his bed* I KNOW, YOU POOR THING.

Hey women, save your money, we just want you wrapped in a bow for Christmas. Wait, don't even worry about buying the bow.

[bank] I'd like to pay this into my account [empties pockets full of cat teeth] OMG I'm so sorry [takes card back] that's the wrong account

Anyone who feels bad about dumping a huge national debt on the next generation hasn't spent a lot of time around teenagers.

I just want to be rich enough to add bacon without asking how much more it costs.