Money Jokes

Just backed into a Jaguar but I left him a note on my bank statement so he knows not to bother calling

Wife: Do you love me just because my father left me a fortune? Husband: Not at all honey, I would love you no matter who left you the money.

I need beer money but I've probably captured my neighbor's cat and returned it for the reward one too many times.

I just want to make enough money to live in a neighborhood where Starbucks doesn't lock their bathrooms

as a kid, I used to think $1,000 was a lot of money. But now that I'm an adult, I think it's a tremendous amount of money

Everyone saying "Poor Steve Nash, he got hurt again". POOR? That boy making $9,701,000 this year. If he poor, then I'm skinny.

America is there land of opportunity, where if you work hard enough, you can make the business owners rich.

The poorest man can be rich if he gets a bunch of money.

Time is money, so if you never accept a job, you have 24 hours of money per day, which is the maximum amount, so youre the richest man alive

I'm a simple man. I just want to be rich and powerful enough to always get what I want. Nothing more.

#IHaveJustEnoughMoneyTo pay my phone bill so I can call my credit card company to tell them I don't have money to pay them.

The woman next to me smells SO good, is it weird if I'm like "What perfume is that, I will literally stop robbing this bank if you tell me"?

I just saw a raccoon get hit by a Smart Car. The poor lil fella suffered a sprained ankle.

I'm at my most fake news when I tell my husband how much money I spent shopping.

You're only limited by your own imagination! And money. And talent. And genetics. And time. And other people. Go for it!

When I'm rich I've decided I'll buy homeless people state-of-the-art shopping carts complete w/wheel spikes for an advantage in can fights

"Dad, how come we use plastic forks and my friends all have silverware?" - Because they're poor and have to reuse everything. "Pfft losers"

I bet "Fifty Shades of Grey" won't make that much money because most of the people who want to see it are tied to a bedpost.

I'm sorry Mr. Simmons. I really enjoy babysitting little Timmy, but I'm only 14. I need real money, not bitcoin.

My city was so poor growing up that Planned Parenthood was just a bicycle without a seat.

I usually make it to the ATM just behind the guy who's using it to refinance his home loan.

When I die, I want my decaying carcass to be loaded into a giant slingshot and flung into a rich kids bouncy castle.

I am having an out of money experience.

I finally figured out the moral of Beauty and the Beast: Sure,Gaston had good looks. But the Beast had shitloads of money.Good choice, Belle

I saw her biting her bottom lip so I threw her a cupcake. Poor girl must have been starving.