Me: Define Illegal Cop: You're drunk, riding a horse, shooting a gun and yelling 'For Narnia' Me: I want my lawyer.

A horse walks into a bar & the bartender says, "why the long face?" & the horse says, "why the English Lit degree?"

When I undress there is a radiant shower that falls. Not of money or glitter, but of dog hair.

If I could have back all the money I've spent on drugs and alcohol, I'd celebrate by buying more drugs and alcohol.