Money Jokes

I have enough money to live comfortably for the rest of my life, if I die next Thursday

My bank statement is just a record of everything I've eaten for the last month.

*goes in bank with finger guns* This is a robbery! "no one'll take you seriously-" *switches to double barrel finger guns* "do what he says"

LunchablesTM? huge waste of money! I have my kids mill their own wheat then hunt, kill & field strip a wild bologna

*stands next to ATM and cheers every time someone wins money*

"Follow your dreams!" - someone born into money

What if dogs are way smarter than we think and they just play dumb so they don't have to work and pay taxes.

Hey commercials, thanks anyway but we're poor.

The ending for Toy Story 3 only Andy sells his toys to get weed money and makes a bong out of Mr. Potato Head.

Obamacare? More like "Obama? I don't care for that guy!!!" Honk if you want poor people to die

How do I explain to this bank teller than I'm just robbing her and not the bank?

Water leak. No water for 2 days. Then the plumber cut the cable line. No internet. No TV. 2 stinky teenagers. Send wine and bail money.

if money can't buy happiness explain pizza

How long are you supposed to chase someone after your wallet gets stolen? Because I'm tired of running and he's catching up....

My wife started clipping coupons to help me save money. She keeps them in the side pocket of her $800 purse.

An excerpt from my self help book, "How to Get Rich Quick" Chapter 1: Write a self help book about how to get rich quick The End

Trying to nurture my inner bully to stay motivated. So far, all I've succeeded in doing is stealing my own lunch money.

sure mugger, run away with my purse holding half used lipstick, 1 tampon, maxed out credit cards n negative bank card. whos laughing now?

Um how poor are you to sell your own yard? For real. And like, nobody's going to buy it with tables full of junk all over it. Geez. Idiots.

I wish it were okay for a guy to carry a purse because there is only so much banana bread that I can fit in my wallet.

We don't need a Voting Rights Act. If we just give all the votes to rich people, then democracy will just trickle down to everyone else.

Leave everyone stranded at a bank robbery to play laser tag when you're the get away driver and suddenly no one is your friend anymore

If a non-profit accidentally makes a profit they must be like, "Guys we totally suck at losing money."

I just emailed "This is a robbery!" to my online bank. Will they just put the $$ in my account or do I have to wait for an email back?

Nothing says "I'm a shitty parent but at least I'm rich" like giving your 2 year old an iPad.