wife: Can't we just buy a bigger catflap? me: [buttering the cat] We're not made of money, Karen

Me: "I need a home improvement loan." Banker: "What will you be using the money for?" Me: "A divorce lawyer."

I'm at my most fake news when I tell my husband how much money I spent shopping.

I said my wife's name three times in front of the bathroom mirror and now my wallet's empty...