Money Jokes

In order to save money I installed a sound chip into my wallet. Now when it opens it plays a song by Creed so I quickly have to close it.

Sites that are selling my tweets for money.1. Twitter2. FavStar3. Funny Tweeter <3 you guys!

Filing taxes is so depressing. Do you own a home? No. Have a spouse? Not even close. Kids? Not that I know of. Enjoy your refund, loser

MUST WATCH heartwarming video! Limbless man rents himself as talking door stop for rich people to afford daughter's seizure medication.

Getting a caricature drawing of yourself is basically the only time you pay money for someone to brutally own you.

Sarah Palin's new Christmas book is her attempt at valuing the sanctity Christmas so she can sell books and make money just like baby Jesus.

Boss: Just spend the company's money with the same discretion as you would your own. Me: I understand. *bankrupts the company

Fun Christmas Trivia: "Myrrh" is the awkward sound you make when you look at your bank balance on Dec 26th.

I love when I open my dryer door and money falls out instead of my cat.

*Runs into bank with gun* Alright! Everyone put your hands up! *Tickles everyone*

I don't know about you guys, but I think Jesus would definitely have had a hard time paying for my sins on a carpenters salary.

I'm putting together a mail-order-bride catalog featuring poor desperate American women looking for a way out...I'm calling it Facebook.

Using a hot dog bun as a wallet

watching my cats groom each other and it feels like I should be throwing money at them

The Beatles were so full of shit. They only used that yellow submarine residence for tax purposes.

One of my buddies lost his right arm in a car accident which is a huge bummer, so much money wasted on tattoos

#ThatAwkwardMoment when you pretend to read your birthday card after the money has fallen out.

[judge at restaurant] "I will try... the lobster" [2 hours later] "I find the lobster guilty of money laundering and embezzlement"

[I just barely squeeze thru the elevator doors as they shut, however my chain wallet get caught, ripping my pants off as the elevator rises]

Accountant: Mr Cage, you are flat broke. *flashback to applying for a loan wearing John Travolta's face* Nick Cage: I already handled it

Ready to earn money staring at my screen all day so I can afford to go home & stare at my screen all night, repeating the process unto death

I always see homeless people walking around with cups of change. I bet they could afford a house if they werent drinking money all the time.

Imagine being so rich you could afford the other monocle.

robber 1: *puts ski mask on head* you grab the money while i kiss all the bankers robber 2: huh? robber 1: uh i meant kill *hides lipstick*

Not to brag but my bank says I have an outstanding balance.