Money Jokes

What I really need is a woman who loves me for my money but doesn't understand math.

The easiest way to get rid of a ghost is to ask him for some rent money or to help with the dishes

Just had a moment where I wanted to scroll down to read the comments looking at my bank balance online.

*genie appears* I wish I was rich! GRANTED! YOU USED TO BE RICH ok!wait what? FOR YOUR SECOND WISH, CONSIDER HAVING PAID ATTENTION IN CLASS

I save a ton of money on teeth whitening by not smiling.

HER [sits seductively on my lap] The more you tip...the more I'll take off ME [reaches for wallet] This is such a weird way to cut hair

Ive just finished writing my first ever childrens novel. It's called 'We're poor because of you'.

*robbing a bank with a chainsaw* Me: GIVE ME ALL Y- Teller: WHAT M: GIVE ME THE MONEY T: SIR YOU CAN'T HAVE THAT IN HERE M: WHAT

How come the Government knows when I don't file my taxes, and when I leave the country, and when I take a shit - but still needs a census?

*runs into restaurant* IS ANYONE HERE A DOCTOR? "I'm a doctor" Nice. Nice. Can you buy me dinner I'm very poor

"Ughhh! It's raining! My hair and shoes are sooo gonna be ruined!" -rich people. "WOOHOOO free shower and car wash!" -poor people.

Iraq was the Target of wars. We went for one thing and ended up spending money on a bunch of other shit we didn't need.

Look, I'm not running a charity here, and if I was I'd be too busy embezzling money to help people.

If you don't wear a body wallet to bed with all your cash in it, you aren't really raising teens.

If they took all the money spent on making Godzilla movies, they could've probably just made an actual Godzilla by now.

If you had to decide between being fat and rich or poor and skinny, what bridge would you sleep under?

I'm tired of conventional beauty standards that say I can't wear a ski mask in a bank

I want a rich person to hire me to float around in their pool and feed me bread I want to be a wealthy person's duck

I'm rich! But not in money, just in read receipts from my ex-boyfriend who never replies!

[job interview] "Have any questions?" Think the 3 Little Pigs hired the Big Bad Wolf to blow their houses down to collect insurance money?

I wrote to the Bank: "My Cheque was returned with remark 'Insufficient funds'. I want to know whether it refers to mine or the Bank?"

I went to a fortune teller and he told me a lot of money was coming my way. I walked out really excited, then I got hit by a Securicor van.

I would've thrown a coin in the water fountain and wished for all the money in it, but I just waited 'til it was dark instead.

POLICE SKETCH ARTIST: is this the man who robbed u *holds up picture of himself* ME: yes POLICE SKETCH ARTIST: give me ur wallet ME: dang it

Just took my girlfriend to the movies and now I'm $10,000 in debt.