Money Jokes

As I waved my gun in their faces, I thought to myself "What kinda weird bank has children, clowns, presents, & balloons all over the place?"

I don't usually pick up hitchhikers but this poor guy looks like he's running late to hockey practice. He already has his mask on.

I just want to be rich enough that I don't have to watch DIY videos on YouTube every time something in my house breaks.

*walks into bank* THIS IS A ROBBERY *people drop to the floor* JUST KIDDING, BUT NOW THAT YOU'RE LISTENING *lowers guns* A TOMATO IS A FRUIT

We grew up so poor we could only play Dungeons.

*meets girl for coffee* *sets down blueprints for bank* "What's this?" Your dating profile said you were looking for a partner in crime

*robbers burst into bank* EVERYONE PUT YOUR HANDS UPDOG *bank manager frowns* What's updog? WE'RE ROBBING THIS BANK WHAT'S UP WITH YOU

Financial Tip: When laundering money, always separate the bills from the coins and use the delicate cycle with a gentle detergent.

getting my loan approved at the bank by lying on my back and executing a series of flawless air kicks right there in the lobbby

I'm not gullible but she said I was the best she's ever had and then to wait by the phone for instructions on how to get my wallet back.

Have you ever noticed that Santa brings better gifts to the kids that have rich parents?

It truly bothers me how many people would marry someone just for their money. Because I'm trying to do that & you're lowering my chances.

*holding cardboard sign by intersection* NOT POOR JUST ON MY WAY TO BREAK DANCING SCHOOL

The best way to avoid awkward moments with homeless people is to ask them for money before they ask you.

My grandma had a lock installed on her medicine cabinet poor thing no one's ever going to visit her again

We were gonna give you money but thought you might prefer the limited buying power of a gift card. Don't spend it all in one place! lol jk

Mugger: "Hand over your stuff! No funny business!" *I give him my wallet and phone but not my business proposal to open a clown college*

I don't mean to brag, but I'm in my 30's and my bank account makes me look 21.

Mazda's marketing slogan is "We Build Mazdas." They decided on it after rejecting others like: "Mazdas Are Cars" and "Buy Mazdas With Money"

Three things that are certain in life~ 1) Death 2) Paying taxes 3) Somewhere a woman is pissed at a man ....

This ATM will not give me free money no matter how many times I try the Konami Code.

[7:30pm] Tonight I'll actually go to bed on time and get sleep! [2:30am] the most money ever paid for a cow at an auction was $1.3 million

Ladies, never buy Activia yogurt because the rest of us are in line behind you thinking "Awww, that poor girl can't shit without yogurt!"

I don't see the fun in putting money on the railway track. The bill flew away, so I put a rock on top of it. Now I'm going to Guantanamo.

*lady shares a wallet photo of her son* *i pull out a 20-part accordion wallet photo set of my dogs*