Money Jokes

We're shutdown, but not 'stop collecting taxes' shutdown. - the government

Ever notice Santa brings way nicer shit to rich kids than poor kids? Hey kids ,maybe it's time to do a little Christmas critical thinking.

The problem with rich people is you're not one of them.

Mo' money mo' problems might be true, but I'd still like to find out for myself.

I don't trust this 'would you like cash back' bullshit. I'm trying to give you my money, but you're also trying to give me my money? Weird.

If your girlfriend says "my pyramid is late..." Know two things: 1. Your hearing is poor 2. That's not your biggest problem right now

[Interview] "You were arrested for armed robbery?" I had no choice. It's silly to try and rob a bank without your arms. "We'll be in touch."

[making small talk at a party] Hair products are so expensive these days. Do you think that's why poor people look like shit?"

I just ordered a Fitbit and my bank called to see if my card was stolen.

"Your resume lists the skills 'poor timing' & 'awkward'?" Can I have a raise? "We haven't hired you." Oh. You're very handsome. "I see."

Theme parks can snap a clear picture of you on a rollercoaster at 70mph, but bank cameras can't get a clear shot of a robber standing still.

All it takes is a "food dreadful, service poor" Yelp review to get your mother-in-law to stop inviting you to Sunday dinner.

"dont get conned into spendin our lottery money" i wont [calls wife back] will 2 sharks fit in our pool? "NO" ok [to salesman] one shark pls

Genie: Sure about this? Me: C'mon do it Genie: It's your last wis- Me: I WANNA BE RICH Genie: Alakazam! Hi Rich, I'm Genie

Thief: Did u see me rob this bank?nTeller: well, yes!nn*Teller shot in the head*nThief: DID U SEE ME ROB THIS BANK?nMe: No. But my wife did!

HULK WANT LOAN Bank: We can't loan to people like you. GREEN PEOPLE?? *flips table into moon* Bank: People owing 2.6B in property damage.

I used to say that I wanted to make ridiculous amounts of money. I think I should have chosen my words more carefully :(

If you had a terrible childhood, you'll be super-bummed out by Bank of America's options for security questions.

"Age is just a number" ...so is your credit score, your weight, the balance in your bank account

God will never give you more than you can handle, unless you were born in the wrong place or don't have money. That makes God super mad.

I like when players of opposite teams hug after the game as if to say, "We're all so very, very rich."

"...and it looks like you spent $80,000 on alcohol this year?" - my tax guy

Diarrhea is just confirming the fact that you make poor life decisions.

"I move that we eliminate paper money altogether and use only coins!" - a stack of change purses disguised as a US Senator

"Paypal me your lunch money!" -Cyber Bullies