Money Jokes

My bank statement is just a visual record of bad decisions.

I just want to be rich enough to donate enough money to have a wing at the mental hospital named after me

Some cats just sit there looking at you like you owe them money.

Me: Treat yo self My Bank Account: DO NOT TREAT YO SELF

I just want to be rich enough where I snap my fingers and 7 people fight over who gets to make me my next grilled cheese.

Whenever you're feeling really bad about yourself just remember, there's people that pay money to exercise.

Apple Watches your money go into their pocket.

*quietly tries to open a bag of chips during a bank robbery*

I'm telling you to go to hell because I'm poor. If I was rich I would kill you.

Billionaire: I'd like to do something about crime. Butler: Being poor, I've got some great ideas-- Billionaire: I want to dress as a bat.

I know a bunch of guys who are like Christian Grey but without the money and the handsomeness. They're in jail.

My boss called me lazy and said I had poor communication skills... I almost responded

"Doesn't it feel good to Payless?" no, i want to be rich & shop at good stores

wife: Can't we just buy a bigger catflap? me: [buttering the cat] We're not made of money, Karen

"I made bank today." - Inarticulate Construction Worker

[Arby's] BRO [jumping into car]: GO ME: it's lunch, not a bank heist B: they put EXTRA CURLY FRIES in the bag M: OMG I'm too pretty for jail

I can't wait to be rich so I can price things from high to low instead of low to high when shopping online.

[At a psychic fair] Psychic: Ask whatever you want to know. Success? Work? Love? Money? Me: Can you tell me where my car keys are?

No one likes my puns about borrowing money, but I'm okay being a-loan. *drinks tears from tear jar*

[at bank] *slides teller a note* Teller: Me: T: M: [winks] T: Seriously!? M: uh huh T: M: T: *slides me a lollipop*

Contents of my wallet just spilled all over the cashier's counter, so embarrassing, spiders everywhere.

Dollar store light bulbs aren't only inexpensive. They save you money on your heating bill when they burst into flames.

Go to a botanical garden? Haha, yeah, okay. Like I want to pay money to walk through a giant salad

If a dentist make their money off people with unhealthy teeth, why should I trust a toothpaste that 4 out of 5 dentists recommend?

*about to rob a bank* "Okay, lets do this. Everybody, grab a gun" i dont need one "why not" i already have two *kisses biceps*