Money Jokes

[finds money in jacket] nice [finds more money in pants] Today is my day. On a roll Boss: will you please take my jacket & pants off?

If you plug in a USB cord correctly on the first try, you shouldn't have to pay taxes for a year.

Loan me a couple bucks? "Sure" *throws 2 huge deer carcasses on counter* Dude where did u get those? "..." Can I even pay with these?

Teach a man to fish and you feed him for a lifetime; teach a man to catfish and he can trick some perv in Omaha into sending him rent money.

"Madame, I will have your finest package of gum, and money is no object." how I impressed the hot cashier at the gas station just now

[commercial for college] *person shoveling money into furnace* Narrator: Don't you wish there was a better way?

WIFE: COME AND GET RID OF THIS SPIDER ME to spider: I told you, you'll get your money. Leave my family out of this SPIDER: you've got 2days

WRITER: A drifter & a rich lady fall in love WALT DISNEY: Can they be dogs? WR: A woman steals a couple's baby WD: Can the baby be 101 dogs?

Purse snatching is a great way to make some extra money while getting in some cardio.

The Macarena is pretty menacing if you do it in silence in the queue at the bank.

Goal as a white guy 1)Pay taxes 2)Never say anything that may come across as racist 3)Find something clever to do with my arms when I dance.

I like the song "I want to be a billionaire" because it's about a millionaire wanting to be 1000 times richer. Sweet.

Quick tax question: Does giving thousands of dollars to charity last year make up for lying about it this year?

BANK: Someone made fraudulent charges w/ ur debit card ME: How'd you know it wasn't me B: They entered the PIN correctly 1st try M: Dear god

Age is just a number? I stole $100 from your wallet and replaced it with a $5. Don't worry, they're just numbers.

I'm here to make a donation. Nun: Blessings, the orphans could use... *Shoving my kid at her- A brother? I'd like a receipt. For my taxes.

I convinced my son he has asthma so I wouldn't have to waste a bunch of money on team sports.

My dentist just looked in my mouth and said something is gonna have to come out. I suspect he's talking about my wallet.

CASHIER: what, no tip? ME: here's a tip: always wear a seat belt CASHIER: no, i meant money ME: oh sorry. invest in a 401(k)

Me: "I'd like to withdraw 3 sausages and a packet of peanuts please." Man: "That isn't how a food bank works, sir."

Who else does this? 1. wets toothbrush 2. puts toothpaste on toothbrush 3. wets toothbrush again 4. does backflip on to huge pile of money

Imagine how much money you could save on vitamins by dying.

Bob: Women always call me ugly until they find out how much money I make. Then they call me ugly and poor.

I only had 3 goals in Monopoly as a kid: Dog game piece Boardwalk and Park Place. Steal your money when you go to the bathroom.

Make sure to change out the condom in your wallet once in a while...so your wallet doesn't think you're a loser.