Loan shark: If you're late my guys will ... Me: Tell my gf my phone password? LS: Break every bone in your body M: Oh. Yeah that's fine

When I undress there is a radiant shower that falls. Not of money or glitter, but of dog hair.

I think if a trained monkey could drive a car, cook & give out money, my kids wouldn't notice it wasn't me. I need a monkey.

wife: Can't we just buy a bigger catflap? me: [buttering the cat] We're not made of money, Karen