Hey people who cold call my cell phone: I've got a better way for you to make money with your mouth.

My daughter just asked for a Samsung Galaxy phone. Had to sit her down and explain to her we aren't poor. #iPhone

Sometimes I get really stoned and stare at phone and wonder why I pay so much money for a government tracking device.

The Bank of America app randomly disappeared off my phone and now I'm wondering how much money I spent last night.