Money Jokes

Hold on I'm about to count my money. Alright I'm done.

Got drunk and did my taxes, i am getting back 1 zillion dollars, 2 slaves, and somehow the state of Rhode Island, this can't be right.

If I had a time machine I'd go back 10 years and tell myself "Write down the names of all the people you loan stuff to."

bank robber: EVERYONE FREEZE! [everyone freezes] bank robber: [recording everyone] nice! this'll be the best mannequin challenge yet

So sad when gay kids get beat up for their brunch money.

oh so you rich guys throw the water out after you boil hotdogs. too good for hotdog soup. too good to dab the soup on your wrists like colog

Celebrity dumping an ice bucket on himself to raise money? Cute. Humanity dumping an ice cap on itself to raise sea levels? HILARIOUS.

When I see a homeless person, I usually don't give them money. I just go out and buy some drugs for them.

Listening to my coworker cry about her gag reflex not being able to swallow her allergy pills.. All I keep thinking is: Her poor boyfriend..

Alcohol is claiming me as a dependent on his taxes this year.

There are poor, helpless kids in Africa who really need our help. But there's also kids with machine guns so I'm not going.

I'm 32. I don't have haters. I have too much debt and teeth that shifted from not wearing a retainer.

It's weird that you need money to stay alive.

Instead of "In God We Trust" written on our money, we should have "In Money We Trust" written on our bibles.

We have a local weatherman who often forecasts "changeable skies." He makes a lot of money to make that call.

'Here Comes Honey Boo Boo' is the reason I always donate money to Planned Parenthood.

A local business in my town has an open carry discount. As in, you show them a gun to save money. Doesn't that discount apply everywhere?

Hey guys, I just saved a bunch of money on my flood insurance by not having any.

sometimes when i'm doing my taxes i'm like maybe prison would be easier

I saved a ton of money on cool sports cars, vacation getaways and NFL season tickets by having children.

Five. Five dollar. Five dollar (and thirty five cents sales tax) footlong.

Seems like the most reliable way to get rid of some people is just to lend them money....))

*Robber runs into Chipotle* GIMME THE MONEY IN THE REGISTER "Is this for here or to go?" Uh. To go "Do you want guac?" Sure "It's extra"

There are 2 screaming kids & a guy talking full voice on his cell in this bank. I'll wave at you on the news tonight as they lead me away.

I'm gonna cook tons of bacon, crush it up and sell it for extra money to support my family. Bacon Bad