Money Jokes

A horse walks into a bar. A horse walks into a bank. A horse drives a car. Welcome to horse country. There's shit everywhere please help us.

The worst part of getting a chain wallet for your birthday is that now you have 3 days to send 10 chain wallets to your friends.

Someone should make a food app that connects to your bank account and only lists restaurants you can afford, could call it Welp

Gotta be careful. My astrologer just warned me someone pretending to predict the future would steal my money.

Don't have money for a cab so I keep calling ambulances and telling them I feel better when I'm close to my destination

When I say "I'm broke" I don't mean I have $0. It means I have responsibilities to take care of before wastin' money on dumb stuff. Merica.

[robbing bank] leader: go in & grab everything you can *i go in to grab loot* Me: (yanking pen chain, increasingly panicked) no no No NO NO-

4-year-old: Why do robbers steal money? Me: So they can buy stuff. 4: Why don't they just steal the stuff? She's a criminal mastermind.

[restaurant] DATE: Tell me something naughty about you ME: Sure [loudly chewing a steak] I haven't brought any money

me *dead*: at least I don't have to pay student loans *Gets e-mail* We see your living status has changed. Click to update your loan info.

I have enough money to last me for the rest of my life... Unless, of course, I want to buy something.

My neighbour hit the post reversing out of the driveway. He hit the poor man delivering it too.

This youth group broke the number one cardinal rule of making money at a Car Wash. They let the fat chick hold the car wash sign.

If I were a famous president I would totally use money as photo I.D.

When I had no money, I had few friends, but no enemies Btw, I still have no money, in case you were thinking of becoming my friend or enemy

Don't worry about choosing between a job you love & one that pays money because you won't be able to find either

Twitter is my serious account, the funny one is my bank account.

1990- I have three-way calling, we can all talk for hours 2015- don't even leave me a voicemail unless you are dying or I won money

Work like you don't need the money: Just stop and go home. Who cares? You don't need that money

Listen kids, money's tight. So when I make you balloon animals you should say 'thank you' and not complain about the lubricant.

DETECTIVE: TELL US WHERE THE STOLEN BANK MONEY IS HIDDEN ROBBER: Nope, but I WILL give you a series of clues DETECTIVE: ok this sounds fun

Wife: [looking at bank statement] what's this huge charge from Clones R Us? Me: [sends group text to 7 other me's] she's on to us

"Dad, what's a sponsored tweet?" "A way for Twitter to make money, I guess. Now, pass the Metamucil with 100% Natural Psyllium Fiber."

Dr: If you want to lose weight, you need to do things that'll make you sweat. Me: *applies for a loan*

Seeing how Iron Man and Batman are only really smart and super rich, I'm really disappointed with Bill Gates.