Money Jokes

Daughter just told me, "Dad, I don't make sandwiches, I eat sandwiches." One day her picture will be on money.

Just saw two 10 year old boys sharing a cigarette. I was really shocked and upset so I gave them money to buy a pack.

It's not a "gay" wedding or a "straight wedding" it's a "waste of money they could have used for a down payment."

I crack my knuckles, turn to the cops and say "I got this" as I stroll toward the bank robbers and get shot in the face

What doesn't kill you isn't earning the money I paid.

[Post fight interview w/ boxer Joey "poor choice of words" Stevens] Joey: "I just couldn't get that guy to go down on me."

This kid at the Bar just told me Nickelback is a better band than Metallica.... Long story short....Send bail money...

[nail salon] Excuse me, do you do filing here? "Yes of course we do!" Great! I need a good refund *hands over tax forms*

[elementary school] BULLY: gimme your lunch money ME: no B: *grabs me by shirt* I said give it M: ok but this has to stop I'm your teacher

All right, Mr. Bank Guy. My business plan is forcing my pregnant dog to drink beer so its puppies are deformed and I can make money off them

If you say "cash money" around me, Don't act surprised when I kick you in the "balls nuts" See how stupid that sounds?

COP: Give back the money you stole ME: Already spent it COP: On what? ME: Karate lessons which [does vague swishes w/ hand] I did not attend

Disney's Aladdin taught me that as long as you have a foundation of lies, actual magic, and one of you is rich, a relationship can work.

[1st day working at bank] BOSS: What are you doing?? ME: I gave that man a personal loan. BOSS: YOU'RE THE JANITOR

Don't spend money on body modification. If you wait long enough, your body modifies itself for free.

I got a free wallet and watch today. It's like this gun is magic.

People who say age is just a number fundamentally don't get numbers and that's why I always borrow money from them.

I'm the kind of guy who peeks under bathroom stalls and asks where you go for taxes.

Just took $20 out of my friend Martin's wallet (he has ALS) because that ice bucket nonsense ruined my new kimono.

Dear God, when I said six zeros salary, I didn't mean only zeros.

Wanna get rich? Buy my book, 'How to Get Stupid People on the Internet to Send You $39.95' for only $39.95.

If God wanted us to save money for retirement he wouldn't have invented online shopping

I lost 50 pounds by having my wallet stolen in London AND YOU CAN TOO

I just walked across my cat's keyboard while he was filing his tax return.

I wonder who plays the "famous rich guy who can relate to poor people" on the AT&T; commercials at Luke Wilson's house?