Money Jokes

Poor Luigi when his parents were all, "This is Mario, we also call him 'Super Mario'. And this Luigi, we also call him 'Player 2'.

i always carry a condom in my wallet incase i can't finish my corndog

Your college degree doesn't mean you're smart, it just means you're in debt.

[bank robbery] Robber 1: put money in the bag Robber 2: how come u get to be robber 1? Robber 4: how do u think I feel. There's only 3 of us

i have claimed all of you on my taxes as a deduction so if someone else asks tell them it is too late

How do they fit all that money inside such a tiny credit card???

We were so poor Dad could only afford to drink 3-4 nights a week.

With the money I found in the dryer, the girl in me says buy chocolate and candy, but the adult in me says buy beer, chocolate and candy.

Just changed my dating profile headline to: "Seeking rich old men with bad hearts and no relatives" ...crossing my fingers

Wine and cheese pair well together bc they are both the expired byproducts of other foods enjoy your trash snack rich people

Looking for rich sugardaddy to support me so I can support my boyfriend so he can tweet more. *thoughtful romantic tweet*

I wonder if Captain America ever borrows money from Captain China.

I used to have poor judgement before Twitter, now I have poorer judgment

Standing in disbelief at an automated door that isn't opening for me is the closest I'll ever feel to having been born rich.

Lady at the dollar store checked to see if my $20 was fake. Like if I could counterfeit money I'd be shopping at the dollar store.

We can't afford a Trump presidency. The money spent alone on hundreds of new White House door knobs for his wee-baby hands would bankrupt us

My bank sends a text with my balance. It's a nice feature but I didn't think the LOL was necessary.

My two teenagers are very different. My son always wants money, whereas my daughter prefers the convenience of my credit card.

He was a poor country boy. She was a rich city girl. They never met, due to geographic distance and rigid socioeconomic stratification.

I don't understand banks. Why do they attach chains to their pens? If I am trusting you with my money, you should trust me with your pens.

I'm a businessman so I tuck my shirt in. There's a lot of money on the line so I need you to know that this is roughly where my legs start.

Day 1 of being kidnapped. Kidnappers are now offering my husband a ransom to take me back. Husband is asking for more money.

MUGGER: give me ur wallet ME: stand back i have mace MUGGER: [sniffing] is this cookies-scented febreze

I'm like the mafia to my son. He only contacts me when he wants money or protection.

If my "check engine" light would check my wallet, it would know there's nothing I can do about it.