Money Jokes

Just converted my savings to pesos and HOLY SHIT am I rich!!!!!!!!

By now Waldo must be wanted for tax evasion.

Patriot - n. someone who wears a flag pin while moving a corporation overseas to avoid taxes

10: What's it like being a grown up? Me [hands her money]: When we get to the movies, buy a large popcorn. 10: This is only $2 M: Exactly

My catchphrase is "Just smell the money, baby". I can't use it yet (I don't have money), please don't steal it

I just think of unfollowers as me paying my Follower Tax.

"Hello darkness my old friend." Darkness: I'm not lending you any money.

i once saw a pigeon on the subway & it got off at the financial distribct & all i coud think was "cool. that bird makes more money than me"

I have to put reminders in my phone for everything or I'll forget it. Like 'pick up milk,' 'go to bank,' 'you don't hate minorities.'

did your friends rob that bank? "I'll never talk" I forgot that you're prejudice against robbers "what?!? some of my best friends rob banks"

My favorite part of the Bible is where Jesus gives money to the rich, tells the poor to suck it up and asks for Caesar's birth certificate.

its such a weird coincidence that all these young financial successes all have rich parents, despite being completely self-made

A bank's radio commercial just said, "Every dollar you donate can feed a hungry family." Your ATM fees can feed four, you murderous pricks!

Me: "Get me a newspaper."Friend: "Don't be silly. Here. Borrow my iPad." Poor spider never knew what hit it.

"I want to swim with an overweight, rich white guy before I die." - Dolphin bucket list.

Just read a few inspirational tweets about courage and confidence and GUESS WHO IS GOING TO ROB A BANK TONIGHT?!!

Student loans: because you should know what it's like to be one of the poor people you're always going on about

Everyone working at a bank looks like if you said "Marry me and I'll take you away from all this," they'd instantly scream "Yes!"

I party like a Rockstar. A very poor Rockstar who isn't in a band anymore and starts yawning by 9pm and just wants to be home drinking tea.

My bank called me for suspicious activity on my account & I was like "no, I went out last night"

Gotta elect a billionaire President in 2012, 'cause rich white guys just aren't getting their voices heard in DC.

My kid just told me all she wants for Christmas is a bell so she can "make lots of money like the man outside walmart."

I'll bet Timmy would never have fallen down that well if his parents would've coughed up the money for a HUMAN instead of a dog babysitter.

To save money, instead of going to the club, I just get drunk at home and yell "what?" into a mirror over and over.

Some days it's little things, the tone of his voice or his words when we're alone, that help me realize I'd rather have the insurance money.