Money Jokes

Wish there was a pill I could put in a girl's drink, that would make her do my taxes.

Hey, pens at the bank: cool it with the chains. You are literally last on my list of things I'd like to steal from a bank.

as a teen did you ever steal your moms booze and fill it back up with water, or steal money out of her purse and fill it back up with water

Step 1:Make pillows with"Love" printed on them Step 2:Become a lawyer Step 3:Defend men who smother their GF with love Step 4:Become rich

Poor helium. I like to imagine there's a shelium out there somewhere, waiting gaseously

Every Political Ad Ever: I'm a rich guy who's not like the other rich guy he's a total douche. *Paid for by my rich guy friends*

Whoever decided to use pantyhose as a bank robbing disguise must have had one hell of a speech to convince his buds to follow along.

The worst thing about rich people is that I'm not one of them.

No thanks, newborn babies of literally any species on planet Earth. Come back when you're less pink & rubbery & can loan me thirty dollars.

*Power goes out* Wife: I can't see! *Shoes light up* Me: Ha! Whose shoes were "a waste of money" & "clearly meant for a large child" now?!

1 Bitcoin = 19.62 USD. What does it say about your economy when imaginary internet money is worth more than your "Real World Money"?

I'm sick of being the guy everyone comes to when they want the money I owe them.

One day, some dude was all "You know where we should save our money? Inside a statue of a pig," and everybody went "That is a GREAT idea."

Me: Your generation sits around with their noses in their phones Niece: Your generation made the guys who wrote the Macarena rich Me: ...

So in 2016 I've decided to leave all the negative people behind. So im sorry if i owe you money because im moving on from that now.

Son: can I get lunch money Dad: I have a boyfriend

In these tough times, you can pop in the Titanic DVD to watch rich people die painfully, their money powerless against the fury of nature

The Tea Party is the biggest case of Stockholm Syndrome ever. Poor people rallying to the cause of those keeping them in poverty.

"Money doesn't grow on trees" is something rich people say so you won't find their money trees.

Woke up with no money. I was robbed last night by a guy who looks exactly like me, but drunker.

How to impress your ex: 1. Get rich 2. Get more attractive 3. Get a tiger 4. Ride tiger everywhere in preparation for confrontation with ex

me: "4,000 for a beehive?" salesman: "sir, there are 8,000 bees in there, that's only 50p each" me: [checking my wallet] "give me 3 bees"

Money cant buy happiness . . . but somehow, its more comfortable to cry in a BMW than on a bicycle.

I blame our unhappy marriage on my wife mostly because of her poor choice in men.

When brands use cool words like "bae" on social media, I drive straight to their nearest location with all my money, ready to buy products.