Money Jokes

Kudos to Mattel for making Barbie reflect the average woman! I'm buying the one with massive student loan debt & a fear of cement trucks.

They say you've got to spend money to make money. Feel like there's some middle step I've been missing?

Old people that say tattoos are a waste of money: You have entire cabinets dedicated to plates that no one is allowed to use.

I just want to be rich enough to stop giving people toilet paper for Christmas

[turns to date during movie where bank robbers laugh & toss money around motel room] They won't be laughing when it's time to pick it all up

Just found out I've been eating women's energy bars for the past few months. No side effects except making 30% less money than I used to

My favorite part of church is when they pass around free money.

KIDNAPPER: [on phone] I'm holding your son for ransom. DAD: I have no money, what's the ransom? KIDNAPPER: Bring me one rich kid.

Picking a Xmas gift for your wife is hard, so I've decided to deplete our bank account, fake my own death & move to Thailand She'll love it

Tax time is when I'm grateful that I'm detal oriented.

The only drinking problem I have is not having enough money to keep buying it.

coworker: did you hear someone used all the charity money to buy snacks from the vending machine me: *laughing nervously* that's awful

Me: How much should I spend on an engagement ring? Jeweler: 3 months salary on the stone. Me: *Duct tapes pile of Fruity Pebbles together.

My car has the innate super power of knowing when I have any extra money and spontaneously breaking down.

"What are you doing, dad?" "Filing taxes... LOLJK... I'm googling "non-extraditable countries". Pack your bags, kid! We're going to Libya!"

/!\ AP Breaking News /!\ Sheltered Rich White Southerner Uses Racial Slurs But Says It's Not Hateful

I wear gasoline for cologne because b*tches love money.

God only gives you what you can handle. Really? Because I'm pretty sure I could handle way more money.

Poor superman.he can't go commando without the whole world noticing

I bought a used UPS truck. It gets poor gas mileage but I can park anywhere.

Shouting "put your hands in the air like you just don't care!" is a fun way to bring a party atmosphere to a bank robbery.

When I was just a little girl, I asked my mother what will I be. Will I be pretty, will I be rich? Here's what she said to me: GO TO SLEEP.

There is no more horrible death than the one of a poor tree that ends up being a Twilight book.

I wish cartoons would have prepared me for working and doing taxes instead of, like, quicksand

TRICKLE DOWN ECONOMICS EXPLAINED: 1) Rich people make money 2) It "trickles down" to offshore banks 3) Government closes libraries/hospitals