Money Jokes

"Poor" is an odd word because when you put it in front of "people" it's sad but when you put it in front of "bladder control" it's hilarious

I just totally misunderstood the meaning of 'Strip Mall' and could one of you guys send bail money?

[finally rich enough to go to a tailor] "How can I help you sir?" One clothes please!

imagine getting a bj and the person's hair gets stuck in your chain wallet

Machine uprising? Ha! What can they do? Toaster gonna burn my bagel? Vending machine gonna steal my money? Like they do now... Holy shit.

"I can't wait until this one orange erases years of poor eating choices." -me, dieting

Homeless people wouldn't be half as poor if they didn't waste all of their money on sharpies and cardboard.

When the atm charges you 3.50 to take out your own money but tells you to cover your pin so you don't get robbed

Celebrities are so rich because they save money every time they attend a movie premiere for free.

I spend a lot of money at Sephora for someone who's got access to filters

How come I need a complex, indecipherable password to get on Twitter but only a 4-digit number to remove all my money from an ATM?

I have recently learned that it is considered poor form to sit on Santa's lap and ask to be made a widow for Christmas... The more you know.

Me: *slides note to bank teller* Bank Teller: So....you're not robbing us, you just want to take a selfie with "mad cash" on your face?

*Goes into debt Debt: Wrong hole.

Shoutout to Batman for being a true American and proving the only superpower you need is money.

Today I got chased by a thief trying to steal my wallet.. I managed to get away, but he definitely gave me a good run for my money!

Whole Foods on Sunday is just a refugee camp for people with too much money.

Am I financially wealthy? No. But am I rich when it comes to relationships, happiness, and experiences? Still no.

Being poor means having to read the menu card from right to left.

"Mom guess what I'm getting married!!!" Is he rich? "I think so. His name is Charles Mansion"

I used to be poor. Then I bought a thesaurus, and now I'm impecunious.

I've written a book called, 'How Not To Get Conned Out Of Your Money'. It's available in all good bookshops priced 149.99.

Then: Me: I want McDonald's Mom: Do you have McDonald's money? Now: Mom: I want grandkids Me: Do you have grandkids money??

All my tattoos pretty much mean the same thing. I had money to blow.

Conjecture: At some point in 2013, our neighbors will get so high that they accidentally sell their own weed. For weed money. To buy weed.