Money Jokes

It's confusing for me too, but I don't need your money so you're going to have to be a nice guy if this is going to work out.

Kids are worthless because they're short and poor.

It would be nice to spend billions on schools and roads, but right now that money is desperately needed for political ads.

Love that show where they lure loan officers into a house with mending, To Patch a Creditor.

Boss: Are you high? Me: You and I both know that I don't make enough money to have a drug habit.

Don't pay your taxes. Get sent to a cool ass prison. Boom, now taxes pay you. Life hack.

[Me as an Italian language translator] Police: Ask him where the money is hidden. Me: Spaghetti tortellini Benghazi Fibonacci cappuccino.

I carry around a note in my wallet that says, "The curse must be passed, I'm so sorry" in case it's ever stolen.

They offered me money to promote a product in my Twitter account, but my dignity is strong, as Axion "The true grease stain remover"

When tragedy strikes your community, McDonald's will still be there to take your money.

Saturday plans: -get abducted then hunted by a group of rich guys on a game reserve, then systematically take them out one by one. - laundry

"How about we go with a gerund, but, like, maybe just half a gerund." - How ING Bank got its name

you are one of billions of workers trading irreplaceable hours of your life so a few hundred guys can have more money than anyone in history

Teacher: Does anyone have questions? Me: If Wile E. Coyote had enough money to buy ACME stuff, why didn't he just buy dinner? T: Holy Shit

i have a heavy flow maxi pad in my wallet so it looks like i have lots of money

my resume is just one page that reads, "i really need money, you guys," in an over-sized comic sans font.

Ehhhhh! I lost all my money in a Fonzie scheme.

If a dentist makes his money off unheathly teeth,why should I trust a toothbrush 4 out of 5 dentist approve?

My apartment looks like a Sims house before you figure out the cheat code for unlimited money.

A cool thing about me is that I have 3 academic degrees and only several more dollars in the bank

Today in 1956 the first videotape recording was made. Your mom was young and needed the money.

I don't need to be rich, it would just be nice to live in a neighborhood where I could be confident that that noise was definitely fireworks

"Rain, rain, go away, come to a poor African nation watered only by tears." Bono's nursery rhymes are the worst.

[Bank robbery] *Other robbers jump into getaway van* "DRIVE! DRIVE! DRIVE!" "Okie dokie." * Starts to adjust mirrors*

Children give terrible gifts because they're poor.