Money Jokes

I practiced cursive for years in elementary school & my electronic bank signature still looks like it was signed by a drunk monkey.

Forget the fad diets, I'm gonna lose weight the old fashioned way - by not having enough money for food.

I save so much money by not having any money.

*buys 8 first class tickets, fills all of them with infants and toddlers* Me, from way back in coach: *cups hands* SUCK IT RICH PEOPLE

me: [slides bank teller a note] bank teller: what's a "roblery"

Today is Tax Day. It's going to be a tough day for the few hundred people in the U.S. that are still making an income.

GUYS! You'll never guess what I just did for a Klondike Bar! I took my wallet out of my back pocket and gave the cashier $1.29, plus tax.

The generic brand Kool-Aid Man just walks into walls and mutters "whatever" and tries to steal your wallet.

LOOK A UFO! Quick, grab the worst camera money can buy.

VILLIAN: all this money is mine BANK TELLER: help us Velcroman, he's getting away VELCROMAN: *stuck to the floor* who puts carpet in a bank?

why do parents get mad when u sleep all day like im staying out of trouble and im not spending your money like what is the issue here

"God" not mentioned in Democratic platform means they don't worship God. "Money" mentioned eleven times in Republican platform.

[Walking around park with kid] Daughter: Daddy, why is grass green? Me: Because God wants to remind me I have no money everywhere

"Give me your tired, your poor, your huddled masses yearning to breathe free. Unless they're darker than, say, beige."- Statue of Liberty.

If i could have any super power, i'd pick the ability to lure kids into my truck without giving them candy i spent my hard earned money on.

Whoever said money doesn't grow on trees obviously never sold marijuana.

One of my favorite things about raps music is the fun ethnic code words they use for everyday things like money & women. I'm learning a lot!

i am developing a ground brekaing new app called "MOneyWallet", where you earn "Money Points" by mailing cash to my house

Bank robbers give a bad name to people who just want to deposit their check with a mask on.

Money can't buy happiness, but neither can poverty, and money can buy a lot of other really cool stuff, so try to have some at all times.

I want to be rich enough to tell the Chipotle cashier, "Guacamole is NO OBJECT!"

I'm so poor I'm taking a vacation on Google Street View this year.

*mugger pulls a knife* Mugger: gimme your money Me: well this night took a SHARP turn *later* Doctor: it's a record for amount of stabs

My online boyfriend loves me so much that once I put my money in his PayPal account he is coming to visit me.

Dang girl are you the American health care system because if I don't give you all my money you'd have no problem watching me die.