A Democrat wakes up after being in a year-long coma... ...and immediately calls the doctor over to his hospital bed. ""Doctor, I need to know; who won the election? Was it Sanders? Clinton?"" The doctor shakes her head. ""Let me put it this way: there's good news and there's bad news."" ""What's the bad news?"" the Democrat asks. ""Donald Trump is the President-elect, and has appointed a climate change denier as the head of the EPA, a close friend of Vladimir Putin as Secretary of State, and a b…

Mitt Romney has decided not to run for president. In other news, I have decided not to become a billionaire or play in the NBA.

On a positive note, once Trump becomes president and burns the world to the ground, our student loan debt is essentially wiped clean

I applied for a loan from the U.S. Government, but was turned down because I had a legitimate repayment plan