Dark Humor Jokes

I judge parties by how close to dead my cell phone battery is when I leave.

The Walking Dead or the Grammys. Do you watch the bloodthirsty monsters ready to eat each other to survive or do you go with Walking Dead?

Went to my uncle's funeral today open bar pretty good food but my uncle was dead 3/5 stars

Edward Scissorhand's death was probably from running.

I just realized that when I murder someone my neighbors will never describe me as "quiet"

The guy who invented Twister died this week. Fitting him into the coffin took 27 spins.

We've replaced Steve's regular coffee with a detailed understanding of the impending heat death of the universe. Let's see if he notices.

me *dead*: at least I don't have to pay student loans *Gets e-mail* We see your living status has changed. Click to update your loan info.

Every time I eat fast food I have the thought 'It's kind of ok if I die. People die.'

I don't like when they use "late" to describe a deceased person. It's like give a guy a break on his attendance, he's dead.

if you watch Titanic from d back; it's about dead people resurrecting from the sea, pulling up a ship fixing it and sailing to England

*At funeral* "Your Mom is so fat" I said eulogy, not roast. "oh right, I'm sorry. Your mom WAS so fat..."

I just had the thought "pfft. Your father can't die before you are born," and I believed it for a full minute. Because I'm smert.

Me: can i play music Funeral director: that's not appropriate Me: nana would've wanted it Director: ok CD player: someBODY once told me

unstable person: "when there is no more room in hell, the dead will walk the earth" stable person: "i look after the horses"

"I just died in your arms" sounds much more romantic than "You're holding a dead body."

It concerns me as a parent that damn near every Disney movie shows kids if your parents die you'll become royalty and have a great life.

Take 1/5th the $ car insurance companies spend on advertising, apply it to health care, and everyone can have golden organs and never die.

Computer backup systems are expensive so I include "Death To America" in my email signature & the NSA backs up everything I've ever written.

Being early to work is a dead giveaway that I'm still asleep and having a bad dream.

"The princess dies. And then the people trying to save her die. Dragon guarding the castle? Dead" - Bedtime at George R.R. Martin's house

My mouth smells like a cave someone shoved a bunch of dead animals into, because that's what it is.

There is no way to differentiate between the screams you hear from mass murder, passengers on a plane going down and 5 Tweens seeing a bug

I murder drifters and use their hair to make little dolls. Oh, you meant at work! My biggest weakness is that I'm a perfectionist.'

It's 100% legal to murder a kid who gets in the elevator and pushes all of the buttons.