opening a deli called "Work" a steakhouse caled "The Gym" adn a fried chicken place caled "A Funeral" for ppl who like to eat & need excuses#Animals#Dark Humor0🔗 ShareWhatsApp
If I could have dinner with anyone either alive or dead I would totally choose dead. Because, more food for me then.#Food#Dark Humor#One-Liner0🔗 ShareWhatsApp
a serial killer that strangles victims with fruit by foot and eats the murder weapon afterwards#Dark Humor#One-Liner0🔗 ShareWhatsApp
If a bear is chasing you, don't run. Be very still and tweet about it because you're about to die.#Animals#Dark Humor#One-Liner0🔗 ShareWhatsApp
"Women are crazy!" "Did one try to murder you unprovoked?" "No I just disappeared from her life with no notice & she went all PSYCHO on me."#Notice And She#Dark Humor0🔗 ShareWhatsApp
We act like we're too cool for "brand loyalty" but if someone says they *bing'd* something, we beat them to death in the street.#Dark Humor0🔗 ShareWhatsApp
Cons of being on The Walking Dead: Almost everyone you know is dead & the world is a desolate zombie wasteland Pros: No more Adobe updates!#Dark Humor0🔗 ShareWhatsApp
[DEATH ROW] WARDEN: Last meal? CON: Just a glass of lemonade please *Drinks lemonade/Burps* WARDEN: Pardon [CON WALKS FREE] W: SHIT#Dark Humor0🔗 ShareWhatsApp
Kmart always smells like if Walmart was found dead in its apartment after three days.#Kmart#Walmart#Dark Humor#One-Liner0🔗 ShareWhatsApp
*throws a dead pigeon at jerk who cut me off in traffic* Wife: Hun, I don't think "flipping the bird" means what you think it means.#Animals#Marriage#Driving#Dark Humor0🔗 ShareWhatsApp
The plane starts going down. I say, "If we die, know that hat is hideous". We all survive. Great Aunt Mildred hasn't spoken to me since.#Aunt Mildred#Dark Humor0🔗 ShareWhatsApp
[ghost writes YOUR DEAD in condensation on bathroom mirror] "My dead what?" [ghost writes *YOU'RE] AAHHHHHHHHHH!#Dark Humor#One-Liner0🔗 ShareWhatsApp
Named my hamster Spam so when he dies I can bury him in a little tin coffin with his name on it.#Dark Humor#One-Liner0🔗 ShareWhatsApp
When I die, just toss my body out of an airplane flying over NYC while wearing a superman costume.#Superman#Nyc#Airplane#Dark Humor+1 more0🔗 ShareWhatsApp
People who smoke cigarettes die sooner, but people who smoke e-cigarettes deserve it more.#Dark Humor#One-Liner0🔗 ShareWhatsApp
Having Justin Bieber sing at your funeral so your death will be the second worst thing happening to your friends that day.#Justin Bieber#Dark Humor0🔗 ShareWhatsApp
According to the CDC, the leading cause of death in 2016 was having a career in the 80's that brought you any level of fame#Cdc#Dark Humor0🔗 ShareWhatsApp
"If you are fat you will die," said the thin ppl, who would never die.#Dark Humor#One-Liner0🔗 ShareWhatsApp
My grandfather said he'd never be caught dead wearing cargo pants, so I slipped the funeral director an extra 50 bucks. And now we wait.#Aging#Dark Humor0🔗 ShareWhatsApp
To the raisin I just beat to death with my shoe.. Eww! I thought you were a spider. Eww! Someone's bringing raisins in my house.#Dark Humor0🔗 ShareWhatsApp
I always wear black. That way I'm ready, at any given moment, for an impromptu night out or your funeral, whatever.#Dark Humor#One-Liner0🔗 ShareWhatsApp
I will carry 17 grocery bags or die trying before making two trips.#Dark Humor#One-Liner0🔗 ShareWhatsApp
[at my funeral] *casket falls onto the floor* Mum: that's the quickest I've ever seen him move Dad: lol owned#Parents#Dark Humor#One-Liner0🔗 ShareWhatsApp
Little known fact: Mirrors are the leading cause of death among people who have looks that kill.#Dark Humor#One-Liner0🔗 ShareWhatsApp
I'm really worried about this Harry Potter kid. Seems like he's definitely gonna die.#Harry Potter#Kids#Dark Humor#One-Liner0🔗 ShareWhatsApp