Dark Humor Jokes

Hormonal teenage daughter: Where do you want to be buried? Me: You mean after I die, right?

Spoil any movie by telling ur friend "Ice Cube dies" before they watch it. They'll be waiting for Ice Cube to appear and die the whole time

whats the definition of a will? (lol come on guys its a dead giveaway)

Me: I have bad news about Bob. Friend: Bob from work or Bob that always fakes his own death? Me: *Drops shovel* Ut oh...

*Party dog shows up at funeral* *He barks, the corpse turns into a keg* *Everyone runs out screaming except Uncle Steve, who likes to party*

Keep your friends close, and your enemies closer. Marry your enemy. Grow old together. Watch your enemy die.

I suppose you can take my cold dead hand when you pry it from my warm live one and charge me w/unlawful possession of human remains

Remove dead skin by hurling yourself into an active volcano.

My mom once called me at 3am to tell me some long lost relative died and hung up on me when I asked if they'd still be dead at 8am.

Jesus: I have to die because of sin God: Yes Jesus: Which you created as punishment God: Yes Jesus: For eating an apple God: Yes Jesus: No

[funeral] WIDOW: ii just cant believe he's gone ME: hey [putting my hand on her shoulder] u parked ur car directly behind mine so im stuck

ME: *looks up from tarot card* So is Death laughing at a smoldering corpse a good thing? PSYCHIC: *wide-eyed* At this point, I don't know.

[first date] Me: that is hilarious Date: ... Me: wait, bread or dead? Date: how would my parents be bread?

adulthood is just eating a taco where the toppings keep falling out and then death

[at funeral] "my phone is vibrating" want me to create a distraction so you can answer it? "no, are you craz- *points at casket* HE BLINKED

"He be dead." Who? Your English teacher?

When a friend dies, I'm not sure if I should unfriend them on Facebook or occasionally "poke" them to see if they're still dead.

Look what the cat dragged in! *freaks out remembering I don't have a cat and house was built on top of a pet cemetery*

[Dr.] "Your blood is 40% cheese, if you eat ANY more you'll die" *slowly raises piece of cheese to mouth* "Don't do it" *eats cheese* *dies*

One of the cooler things you can do when you die is be buried with an elephant bone, just to confuse future archaeologists.

God: But if you use your sting you will die. Bee: That will teach us not to abuse our power. How did the wasps take that news? God: Err...

911! I just murdered a bunch of people 911: omg on purpose? Hang on lemme ask, did I murder anyone by mistake?.. No one is answering, So..

"I'll catch up with you, I just have to make ONE more joke on Twitter" (How I'd die in a horror movie)

My wedding vows said "till death do us part." My wife died, so I was a free man. Then she came back and bit me.

A girl's tinder bio said "I would die without food" uh okay me too