Dating is good practice for parenting because you learn not to care when someone is crying in a restaurant.

Girlfriend: Im not the best cook, is that cool? Me: Yeah, I love shitty food.

Starting my diet and training tomorrow; hope I can count on your support and prayers that I die in my sleep. Please RT.

[at funeral parlor with bereaved girlfriend] HER: You think these glass urns are a good idea? ME: Remains to be seen.