I'd like to put a big red bow on the coffin of the guy who came up with those Lexus ads.#Lexus#Dark Humor#One-Liner0🔗 ShareWhatsApp
The two most popular gifts women receive on Valentine's Day are a box of things that make her fat and a bouquet of things she can watch die.#Valentines#Holiday#Dark Humor0🔗 ShareWhatsApp
Girls: I'd invite you in but my place is a mess Guys: I don't mind Girls: Like a huge mess Guys: ok Girls: Like dead bodies on fire Guys: ok#Dark Humor0🔗 ShareWhatsApp
Remember when Michael Jackson hung his baby off that balcony as a goof? He's dead now.#Michael Jackson#Kids#Dark Humor#One-Liner0🔗 ShareWhatsApp
A new study says vegetarians die younger than smokers, on average, so don't smoke your vegetables...#Dark Humor#One-Liner0🔗 ShareWhatsApp
Me: *being hauled on a stretcher into an ambulance* Shotgun! EMT: dude your gonna die if you si- Driver: dammit Dave, he called shotgun#Driving#Dark Humor0🔗 ShareWhatsApp
Fun fact: they used acronyms back in colonial times too but DOS meant Dead of Smallpox and LMFAO meant Lost My Farm and Outbuildings#Dark Humor0🔗 ShareWhatsApp
OH SHIT! I just ran over an emo kid! Quick! How do you tell if theyre dead on the outside, too?!#Kids#Dark Humor#One-Liner0🔗 ShareWhatsApp
SCARY BUT TRUE: statistics show that everyone who's ever used a cell phone will die#Technology#Dark Humor#One-Liner0🔗 ShareWhatsApp
*at funeral* Thank you all for coming. As you already know, my dignity has left us. I tripped in front of all my coworkers. It was tragic.#Dark Humor0🔗 ShareWhatsApp
right before i die, i want to stuff myself with 100 chicken nuggets and blaze tf up#Blaze#Animals#Dark Humor#One-Liner0🔗 ShareWhatsApp
[goes back in time to murder baby Hitler] wow long line of people here to kill him [goes back to murder myself] how is this line even longer#Hitler#Kids#Dark Humor0🔗 ShareWhatsApp
Black Friday is the Christian holiday where Jesus rose from the grave at 4am to get in line to purchase a discounted HDTV for his Father.#Jesus Rose#Parents#Dark Humor0🔗 ShareWhatsApp
Only death will keep me from you. Or cake. Or Netflix. Or kittens....hold on, I have a list.#Netflix#Dark Humor#One-Liner0🔗 ShareWhatsApp
[murder occurs] ME: how terrible. why can't we love each other [someone slightly inconveniences me] ME: I will execute your entire family#Dark Humor0🔗 ShareWhatsApp
If the BeeGees are 'staying alive' so much then how come they're all dead.#Dark Humor#One-Liner0🔗 ShareWhatsApp
When you're dead, you have no idea you're dead. It's only difficult for other people..... Much the same as when you're stupid.....#Dark Humor0🔗 ShareWhatsApp
*stops next to punks at red light* *stares them down, turns up The Walking Dead opening music* *light turns green, slowly accelerates*#Dark Humor0🔗 ShareWhatsApp
Phantom cellphone vibrations are your dead ancestors calling you.#Dark Humor#One-Liner0🔗 ShareWhatsApp
"When you wish upon a star, it takes trillions of years for the wish to get there, and by that stage you're dead." - Neil deGrasse Tyson.#Tyson#Dark Humor0🔗 ShareWhatsApp
Jan 1st, 2017: I'm finally going to start learning guitar. haha only kidding I'll probably just ride out my current interests until I die.#Dark Humor0🔗 ShareWhatsApp
Yesterday I watched Rogue One, featuring a cameo from Carrie Fisher. One hour later she was dead. So today I'll be watching Home Alone 2.#Carrie Fisher#Dark Humor0🔗 ShareWhatsApp
OMG, GODZILLA IS COMING TO ATTACK NEW ENGLAND AND WE'RE ALL GONNA DIE-oh, he said huge blizzard, not lizard... Carry on then.#New England#Dark Humor0🔗 ShareWhatsApp