Dark Humor Jokes

Surely there's a 3rd option. Can't i just walk home? That can't be my only two choices? Ride or DIE? Seems a bit extreme.

*Tweets funniest tweet ever *Dies laughing *Over 6 billion die laughing *Germany and Russia survive *Coz nobody left to explain the joke

look. life is bad. evryones sad. we're all gona die. but i alredy bought this inflatable boumcy castle so r u gona take ur shoes off or wat

My GPS just told me to turn left into a cornfield and now I'm afraid it wants to murder me.

I hate when my cat brings in a dead bird and I have to pretend I enjoy eating it so I don't hurt his feelings

On Twitter, people respect you for sharing your deepest, darkest flaws. Unless those flaws are typos, in which case, die in a fire.

The whole thing about "we're all going to die some day," that's a joke, right?

If approached by a bear, you can play dead, or you can acknowledge the bear, say hello, and see what it needs. Have some decency

I don't understand how anyone could be a grave robber. How do you steal a six foot hole?

If I don't make this right hand turn going exactly 3 mph, the entire universe will explode & everyone will die. - the lady in front of me

My oldest is 14 today. Daddy's baby is growing up. Soon she'll start looking for boyfriends and find them all dead under the floor boards.

The militia had killed my entire family and left me for dead. Thank God for Buzzfeed's 17 Pictures That Will Restore Your Faith In Humanity.

Married men live longer then single men. So if you want a slow death...... ;-)

Oh look a Spider...... Oh look Listerine.... Oh look spider wiggling for life.... Minty fresh dead spider

I don't talk about my ex's because I like to start of with a clean slate. That, and they're dead to me. Well, to everyone, but mostly me.

Ppl who make fun of outfit repeating? I look bomb af so I'm gonna wear this again I'll even wear it to your funeral if you keep talking shit

Coworker: See you next year. Hahaha Me: Not if you die tonight. Hahaha

Man found dead in chicken coop. Fowl play suspected.

angel of God: mary u shall give birth to the son of God himself & he shall be named Jesus & shall die on a cross mary: i have a boyfriend

late night science fact: if u laid out your veins from end to end u would die

One day the mailman is going to murder my whole family and my dog will be like "Ha. Who needs to quit yapping and go lay down now?"

"God is dead." -Nietzsche "God is Dad!" -Jesus "God IS, dude..." -Stoners

Twitter was down for a couple of hours but I didn't panic at all. I dialed 911 and calmly told them "people are about to die". Then Hung up.

FIRED? But I just started! How could I have known we don't do casual Fridays here? Fine. Direct your own goddamn funeral. *flip-flops away*

when I hit 45 I'm going to start sleeping in a coffin. let's be honest, my lifestyle choices have been questionable