You don't realize how much you miss someone until they come back from the dead.#Dark Humor#One-Liner0🔗 ShareWhatsApp
I can always count on the local cemetery for free Mother's Day flowers.#Parents#Dark Humor#One-Liner0🔗 ShareWhatsApp
nothing sucks more than someone ignoring your texts i mean maybe like getting stabbed to death but that's not much worse#Dark Humor0🔗 ShareWhatsApp
[Couples Therapy] HER: He keeps pretending he's a doctor. This relationship is dead HIM: I'm calling it. Time of death, 9:26 ME: OMG SEE!#Doctor#Dark Humor0🔗 ShareWhatsApp
I'll be buried in a spring-loaded coffin stuffed w/ tons of confetti. In the future some archeologist is gonna have an awesome day at work.#Dark Humor0🔗 ShareWhatsApp
"I have 29 seconds left to live... Please let me just hear our song before I die" Anything you want! *googles song* *30 second ad plays* NOO#Dark Humor0🔗 ShareWhatsApp
I stole a seat from an old man and he remarked, "Chivalry is Dead". I said, "I'm sorry, I didn't know. He wasn't even trending on Twitter".#Twitter#Dark Humor0🔗 ShareWhatsApp
The worst is that a 27 y/o who wanted to marry Charles Manson & charge ppl to see his corpse had more of a future financial plan than we do.#Charles Manson#Dark Humor0🔗 ShareWhatsApp
If your problem can be solved by: Naps Cake Drugs Alcohol or Murder Then you don't really have a problem.#Bar#Dark Humor#One-Liner0🔗 ShareWhatsApp
"holy shit. i don't have much time left to live. better sit on as many benches as i can before i die."-old people.#Dark Humor#One-Liner0🔗 ShareWhatsApp
When I watch The Walking Dead I can't help but think those zombies are in way better shape than me.#Dark Humor#One-Liner0🔗 ShareWhatsApp
[Walks in on girlfriend on death bed] ME: [Crying] this can't be happening GRIM REAPER: Dude, I can explain. She totally came on to me#Dating#Dark Humor0🔗 ShareWhatsApp
Daughter yells "I love bananas, the bigger the better". Wife and I laugh hysterically, Then I die a little inside.#Marriage#Dark Humor#One-Liner0🔗 ShareWhatsApp
If only life could be like the movies!* *i.e., every time someone gets a nosebleed it means they'll be dead soon#Dark Humor#One-Liner0🔗 ShareWhatsApp
Until you've tried to start a conga line at a funeral, don't tell me about your drinking problem.#Dark Humor#One-Liner0🔗 ShareWhatsApp
Sir, your wife was stabbed ten times, but the missing piece is the murder weapon. So far we have nothing, Mr *checks notes* Scissorhands.#Marriage#Dark Humor0🔗 ShareWhatsApp
WIFE: omg Will Smith's son, Jaden, is dead ME: where'd you see that? W: Facebook M: I'm pretty sure that's a hoax W: no Facebook is real#Will Smiths#Jaden#Facebook#Marriage+1 more0🔗 ShareWhatsApp
They say that murder rates go down with more employment, so I bet if we gave everybody jobs murdering people, they'd be really bad at it.#Dark Humor0🔗 ShareWhatsApp
PRIEST: Do you take this this woman, to have and to hold, for better, for worse, until death do you part? ME: Well, now you made it weird.#Religion#Dark Humor0🔗 ShareWhatsApp
4-year-old: What happens when you die? Me: You go to heaven. 4: No, I mean when you die, do I get your stuff?#Religion#Dark Humor#One-Liner0🔗 ShareWhatsApp
Just tried to massage a stressed worm but I did it too hard and now it's dead and arguably more stressed than before#Dark Humor#One-Liner0🔗 ShareWhatsApp
Have you guys tried McDonald's new Premium McWrap? So much better than the Budget McWrap, which is a dead mouse in a cabbage leaf.#Mcdonalds#Animals#Dark Humor0🔗 ShareWhatsApp
If you asked Jesus on the cross what he wanted the holiday marking his death to be called, "Good Friday" would not have leaped to his mind.#Dark Humor0🔗 ShareWhatsApp
While a gun does make for a cool weapon on The Walking Dead, the most effective defense against the zombies is probably lightly jogging?#Dark Humor0🔗 ShareWhatsApp