Dark Humor Jokes

Each year an average of 10 people are killed by sharks while 100 people die being stepped on by cows. Where's Cow Week, Discovery Channel?!

get pizza or die trying

NEW DRINKING GAME: 1) Put on the new Twilight movie 2) When you press play, take 59 shots of vodka so you can die before it starts.

Maybe a funeral isn't the best place to practice my evil laugh

If I ever die, my phone better go with me or there will be some pissed off people at my funeral.

i can't believe i have to keep washing this stupid body until i die

I can never tell if my cat left a dead bird at my door, or if it's the dead bird I ordered from Amazon.

As a funeral director, I always tie the shoe laces together of the deceased.The zombie apocalypse will be hilarious.

People fear what they don't understand: Change Death 4th grade math word problems

*First Date* Her: Hobbies? *thinks about the 50,000 piece Lego Death Star I'm building* Me: Architecture and Astronomy. Her: Impressive.

So many people are worried that The Walking Dead could happen and I'm over here terrified that Idiocracy is actually happening.

I will never go bungee jumping. A rubber breaking was the reason I was born, it sure as hell isn't going to be the reason that I die.

parents: okay we will be home at 11 o'clock! clock: 11:01 me: they're dead i'm alone i need to start my orphan life now

Just heard that someone has started digging Fidel Castro's grave.. Must be a communist plot.

Between Man of Steel, This Is The End, and Pacific Rim, I've seen around 5 billion people die this summer. A personal best.

Nothing says you don't trust your family like pre-payment of your funeral

"Where do people already feel awkward & uncomfortable?" "Church?" "K let's make 'em like that" -- funeral home designers

A good comeback when someone doesn't believe you're a time traveler is "Yeah well nobody cried at your funeral."

Smartphone owners are the bravest. They're not afraid of anything not even death. They can walk into any running truck without giving a damn

Helping a few people complete their bucket list so they will just die already.

Ro-Ro-Robocop, Gently down the stream, Merrily, merrily, merrily, merrily, Killing bad guys in old Detroit in revenge for his murder.

I'm starting to think I buy bananas just to watch them die a slow death in my own home.

I will take your secret to the grave. Unless I'm drunk and revealing it will make me popular.

I see dead people. Well actually they're stupid people, but give me a few minutes

We could be like Romeo and Juliet. You go die and I'll go to sleep.