Dark Humor Jokes

When four people arrive at a 4-way stop at the same time, it is required that they exit their vehicles and fight to the death.

I'll sleep when I'm dead. I'll sleep tonight as well. There's also a pretty good chance I'll take a nap soon.

Medical problems are the #1 cause of death.

If dogs can eat raw chicken, so can I. - dead people

Kids are so inquisitive. "Will robots ever take over the world?" Me: "Almost certainly." "But when? Before I die?" "A bit before, yes."

Cheer up you won't be single forever. One day you'll die

If you give me a hard time about being out of shape I will bury you in a shallow grave. A very, very, shallow grave

I'm the kind of friend who will help you hide a dead body, but if you betray me, just remember: I know how to hide a dead body.

Each year more people die in bathtub accidents than plane accidents, but any idiot thinking they can fly a bathtub deserves what they get.

I hate it when I'm digging my own grave at gunpoint and I discover buried treasure.

Whoever decided to print nutritional information on ice cream cartons should be arrested and tried for the murder of my happiness.

[dog on trial for murder] lawyer: who's a good boy? dog: I am lawyer: your honor I rest my case

If Trump dies in office he won't even admit it. He'll keep tweeting from the grave: "VERY dishonest coroner's report says I died. Sad!"

I'm sorry your husband of 50 yrs is dead. Here is a casserole made with Campbells Soup. ~White people.

I believe meat is murder, vegetables are burglary, bread is mail fraud and dairy is impersonating a police officer.

I want my funeral to be 20 consecutive moments of silence followed by a first-time bugler playing taps.

Congress just passed a bill that makes it legal to murder those friends who respond to a text by calling you.

If you Say the word "murder" over and over again out loud, it starts to sound really weird and everyone in this starbucks will stare at you.

The Westboro Baptist Church is planning on picketing Fred Phelps funeral. I'm not sure they even know what they're doing anymore, you guys.

When dancing and multiple girls yell "this is my song!" they should have to fight to the death to see whose it really is.

When speaking to children I always end every sentence with "...or else you'll die. " - I find this to be an excellent motivational tool.

Oppenheimer at the A-Bomb test saying "Now, I am become Death, the destroyer of worlds" only me exiting the bathroom after eating Taco Bell.

When someone has coordinates in their bio, I feel the need to alert their local police, to counter all the psychos en route to murder them.

6-year-old: Can I have some Oreos? Me: You have the flu. 6: I'm sick, not dead.

878 dead bodies lay there. Liam Nesson "Are we done?" Police: "Sure, I don't see any reason why we should arrest you."