Dark Humor Jokes

ME: "I don't like this movie." HIM: "We are at a funeral." ME: "Who directed this?" HIM: "A bear attack." ME: "Never heard of him."

Before I had a child, I never knew that quietly disposing of a balloon could feel so much like a murder.

"Oh my god! That guy's dead! Oh wait, he's totally fine." (someone watching soccer for the first time)

I bet in Somalia a kid has been like "I'm so hungry!" and another's like "Third world problem!" and they both laugh and die and stuff.

This lady on the train has that raspy, cigarette, alcohol, at death's door kinda voice. I'ma see if she'll record my voice mail message.

Every time I get an eyelash in my eye, I'm reminded of how quickly I would die in the wild.

By the time you finish reading this tweet, you will be slightly closer to death than you were before. I hope it was worth it.

Swimming is my favorite recreational activity that's also a desperate attempt not to die

"Bob's here" Bob from work or Bob THE HARBINGER OF DEATH *an icy wind blows as black clouds consume the sky* "Bob from work" *clouds recede*

If you're gonna write a 300 word Instagram description for your photo, go ahead & throw a murder confession in there. Nobody will ever know.

I've been saying I'll sleep when I'm dead for so long, I'm starting to really look forward to dying.

Time to get in my wheel box to go to my work box so I can pay for my home box until I'm ready for my death box.

Just asked someone for their date of birth for a work insurance thing & it was 4/20/69 & I just went dead silent for at least 20 seconds

My will has a list of friends not allowed to speak at my funeral.

When I die I want my skeleton turned into a xylophone. Just like the good ol' days.

No matter how much you loved them if a family member or pet comes back from the dead don't dilly dally kill them immediately

FITBIT: You've done 11k steps today. ME: Ok, I'll rest some. FITBIT: stop now and I'll murder you ME: What? FITBIT: I SAID GOOD FOR YOU!

wow this is crazy: over 30,000 white girls "literally die" every year because they "actually can't right now"

*secret agent slaps me* I'll never give you answers *he grabs my throat* "WHO LIVES IN A PINEAPPLE UNDER THE SEA" *spits* I'd rather die

{batman walking downstairs} "Hmmm. Looks like Catwoman's left me a present" [the half-eaten corpse of Birdman lies lifeless on the carpet]

"And then the Bears mauled Goldilocks to death and ate her, reminding us that home invasion never has a happy ending."

I never understand why do people whisper at funeral's ? The most important guy at this party is dead he can't hear you.

Arcade Fire: great band / nerd way to die

If I ever find a dead body while I'm hiking I'm gonna be like finally

ovens are insane "oh thats just my box of invisible fire i heat dead things in"