Dark Humor Jokes

How do chocolate labs not die of themselves?

100% of murder victims who responded to the survey really freaked us out.

Favorite question to ask a prospective boyfriend for my sister: Have you ever seen a dead body? *casually lifts shirt to expose .357*

Hey people who have the alarm noise as your ringtone, I'd like you to die.

If the hamburgler was black he'd be dead because mayor mccheese was basically rudy Giuliani

Sorry neighbor who's choking to death, my cat's resting his little head on my leg. This, like, never happens.

I just sprayed hair glitter onto a fly instead of insect spray. Not dead... but pretty fly.

Sorry I faked my death during the middle of your boring story.

VENOM: Time to meet your maker! SPIDER-MAN: The radioactive spider? VENOM: No, like- SPIDER-MAN: My dad? Cuz he's dead. Wow, ur a douche.

Great, I clicked on "Start Your Free Trial" and now I'm convicted of murder.

Me: look at these colorful leaves, fall is so beautiful Leaf: *cough* behold the desolation of my brothers *wheeze* death surrounds us all

Wow, I wish people were into politics as much as they're into sports. *meets someone who's really into politics* Wow, I wish I was dead.

I've just seen a girl post a selfie with her dead grandma on facebook and thousands have commented "rip". Stop the internet, I wanna get off

"I'm gonna die. What is happening. Whaaa-ooahh actually that's not bad" - first guy to poop

Yes but what if Donald Trump IS actually dead but his toupee is alive and steering him round like a marionette?

Three things that are certain in life~ 1) Death 2) Paying taxes 3) Somewhere a woman is pissed at a man ....

People say "life's a journey, not a destination," because the destination is death. The journey sucks too. Anyway, to the bride and groom!

People who hum in public must be blissfully unaware of how close to death they are at all times

When someone asks me, "Is this seat saved?" I like to say "No, but we're still praying for it" and I laugh because chairs are like, dead.

3-year-old: Where do people go when they die? Me: Heaven. 3: I don't want to go there. Me: Why not? 3: It's full of dead people.

I know it's fiction but the logic in The Walking Dead is so skewed it is impossible to suspend disbelief. An Asian guy named Glenn? Please

*you see a bear approaching you* Quick play dead! *bears comes running up* Oh god! OH GOD! What's happening!? Wake up! WHO DID THIS TO YOU!?

I just know my cause of death will be trying to scoot my office chair around as fast as possible.

Be a part of history! Die in a catastrophic natural disaster.

Funny prank: stay over at a friend's house and die on their couch.