[interview] HIM: What are your strengths? ME: Well, I can see dead people. HIM: Wow, interesting. Any hobbies? ME: Grave digging#Work#Dark Humor0🔗 ShareWhatsApp
[funeral] Her: why is my dead grandfather wearing a diamond ring? *sliding it off his finger* Me: *gets down on one knee* because babe...#Aging#Dark Humor0🔗 ShareWhatsApp
Why are ghosts always just moaning? Did your manners die too? Use your words!#Dark Humor#One-Liner0🔗 ShareWhatsApp
Watch The Walking Dead with someone who's super into it so every time a zombie appears you can pull the old, "Wait, who's this now?"#Dark Humor0🔗 ShareWhatsApp
Me: Goodnight Moon Moon: Well hi there. I can't hear you because I'm 240,000 miles away and sound doesn't travel in space. Die in a fire.#Dark Humor0🔗 ShareWhatsApp
[quietly opens a beer] Funeral Director: seriously?! Me: oh sorry [reaches into cooler and hands him one]#Bar#Dark Humor#One-Liner0🔗 ShareWhatsApp
I enjoy reading, long walks on the beach, and getting myself into situations where the only way out is to fake my own death.#Dark Humor0🔗 ShareWhatsApp
"DON'T YOU DIE ON ME!" he screamed at his phone. Everyone else on the train hugged their phones a bit closer.#Technology#Dark Humor#One-Liner0🔗 ShareWhatsApp
*Leans head up to wife as I'm dying* Me: My only regret is... *Coughs loudly* Me: ...not having something cooler to say as I die. *Dies*#Marriage#Dark Humor0🔗 ShareWhatsApp
The front desk lady at this remote motel is barely concealing her howling desire to graphically murder me. I'll be honest, it's refreshing.#Dark Humor0🔗 ShareWhatsApp
Surprise your girlfriend by hiding in her trunk until you're dead.#Dating#Dark Humor#One-Liner0🔗 ShareWhatsApp
Whenever I see people doing sign language, I assume they are discussing the best way to murder the rest of us and steal our ears.#Dark Humor0🔗 ShareWhatsApp
Arguing with a woman is like being attacked by a bear... You're better off playing dead and hoping they get bored and walk away!#Animals#Dark Humor0🔗 ShareWhatsApp
it's weird how Americans say "soccer" instead of "football" and my dad says "I wish you were dead" rather than "i love you"#Sports#Parents#Dark Humor0🔗 ShareWhatsApp
I don't want to die doing something I love. I want to die doing something I hate. That way I don't have to finish it.#Dark Humor#One-Liner0🔗 ShareWhatsApp
In high school I was voted Most Likely to Be Shot Dead While Trying to Steal Something of Moderate Value From a Texan.#School#Dark Humor#One-Liner0🔗 ShareWhatsApp
Our guide called the bear tracks I found bike tracks. Laugh it up pal, but if these bears are on bikes we're all going to die out here.#Animals#Dark Humor0🔗 ShareWhatsApp
Hangman is a weird game to let kids play. Hey kid, if you don't think of this word, a random man will be put to death.#Kids#Dark Humor#One-Liner0🔗 ShareWhatsApp
Based on my experience with trying to find the restroom at Kohl's, I would die first in the Hunger Games.#Dark Humor#One-Liner0🔗 ShareWhatsApp
I hate that feeling when your iPod earbud accidentally gets ripped out of your ear and you want to murder someone with a hammer.#Dark Humor0🔗 ShareWhatsApp
Shaking hands is so weird: "Nice to meet you, have some germs and dead skin cells."#Dark Humor#One-Liner0🔗 ShareWhatsApp
What did u do last night? Me: I drowned my swallows in whiskey Don't u mean sorrows? Me [covering tub of dead birds]: is that the saying?#Bar#Dark Humor0🔗 ShareWhatsApp
"Members of the jury, how do u find the defendant?" "we... can't find him at all" "DAMMIT THIS IS THE 3RD MURDER WALDO HAS GOTTEN AWAY WITH"#Lawyer#Dark Humor0🔗 ShareWhatsApp