[angrily holding cookie under milk for way too long] Yo whatcha doin bro? [looks him dead in the eye] practicing for you#Dark Humor0🔗 ShareWhatsApp
If a woman repeats what you just said in the form of a question, you'll be dead soon.#Dark Humor#One-Liner0🔗 ShareWhatsApp
Home Alone (1990, Comedy) Two burglars attempt to murder an abandoned 8-year-old child#Kids#Dark Humor#One-Liner0🔗 ShareWhatsApp
*slides $5 to the funeral director* Maybe you can get me the widow's phone number?#Technology#Dark Humor#One-Liner0🔗 ShareWhatsApp
Narrator: "Humans are the product of 4.54 billion years of evolution" [cut to me pressing harder on remote control when batteries are dead]#Dark Humor0🔗 ShareWhatsApp
Police inspectors on British mystery shows always seem to know the murder victim. Moral: do not befriend any British police inspectors.#British#Police#Dark Humor0🔗 ShareWhatsApp
I joined snapchat yesterday; apparently my phone doesn't die fast enough for my liking.#Technology#Dark Humor#One-Liner0🔗 ShareWhatsApp
people who say "guess what" and make you actually guess make me want to die#Dark Humor#One-Liner0🔗 ShareWhatsApp
George Carlin: Dead. Leslie Nielsen: Dead. Mitch Hedberg: Dead. Greg Giraldo: Dead. Dane Cook: A-Okay. God has some explaining to do.#George Carlin#Leslie Nielsen#Mitch Hedberg#Greg Giraldo+2 more0🔗 ShareWhatsApp
If a mass murderer on death row ordered a Klondike Bar for his last meal I bet it would explain a lot.#Klondike Bar#Bar#Dark Humor#One-Liner0🔗 ShareWhatsApp
We need a ride home. "I called a Gruber" Don't you mean an Uber? [villain from 1988 Die Hard arrives in black Prius]#Gruber#Uber#Dark Humor#One-Liner0🔗 ShareWhatsApp
Don't grocery shop hungry. Don't go to bed angry. Don't promise when ur happy. Don't do anything. Just kinda sit there til u die.#Food#Dark Humor0🔗 ShareWhatsApp
Having pets adds 5 years to your life. Have thousands of pets, never stop owning pets. Become immortal. Laugh as your foes grow old and die#Dark Humor0🔗 ShareWhatsApp
Zombies are a fun reminder that the first thing people want to do when they're dead and beyond the law is murder everyone in sight.#Dark Humor0🔗 ShareWhatsApp
when I die I want you to save my skull and use me as a paperweight (and kiss me when no one is looking)#Dark Humor#One-Liner0🔗 ShareWhatsApp
Assuming Twitter is legally binding, when I die, please wrap me in a giant ball of burrata as this is my greatest wish. Thank you.#Twitter#Dark Humor0🔗 ShareWhatsApp
When I like a girl, I play it cool. I wait. I text once, wait 60 years, and then I die.#Dark Humor#One-Liner0🔗 ShareWhatsApp
As I walk through the valley of the shadow of death I say unto myself I SHALL NEVER... USE APPLE MAPS AGAIN...#Dark Humor#One-Liner0🔗 ShareWhatsApp
Sorry I ate that banana so slowly at your grandpa's funeral.#Aging#Dark Humor#One-Liner0🔗 ShareWhatsApp
People think i am so incapable of doing anything on my own that even if i commit suicide they would say it was murder.#Dark Humor#One-Liner0🔗 ShareWhatsApp
I'm not afraid to die, I'm afraid my friends will give me the funeral I told them I wanted when I was drunk.#Bar#Dark Humor#One-Liner0🔗 ShareWhatsApp
Movies Lesson #5: very few people die while trying to get from one hotel room to another using the ledge outside, so give it a shot.#Dark Humor0🔗 ShareWhatsApp
This hot girl asked me to recommend some music so i said Pink Floyd, she said "I didn't know Pink used her last name as well" Now she's dead#Pink Floyd#Dark Humor0🔗 ShareWhatsApp
wife: "just break it to him gently" me: "ok ill try" [tucking son in bed] me: [opening story book] "once upon a time your grandma's dead"#Marriage#Aging#Dark Humor0🔗 ShareWhatsApp
Hey kids, for Halloween, let's go to a spooooky place full of scaaaary, oppressive people & a guy who riiiises from the dead! Kids: Church?#Religion#Holiday#Dark Humor0🔗 ShareWhatsApp