Dark Humor Jokes

"Yo dog, this yogurt is mad delicious." -Me, eating yogurt, and talking to my dog. I'm gonna die alone aren't I?

What idiot called it "CSI: France - Murder in a Bakery" instead of "Baguette and Tag It"

At his funeral. I lay my hand on your shoulder. I apply pressure, gently, in an attempt to move you from in front of the snack table.

[2 dead cats on ground] Cat Detective: Curiosity killed them but how...*dies* ~later~ [3 dead cats on ground] Cat Detective II: How di...*dies*

If someone makes you want to murder them, don't hesitate to do it. That moment you wait is the difference between 1st and 2nd degree murder.

Me: when I grow up I'm going to be an astronaut. 5 year old daughter: you're already grown up. You'll be dead soon.

My sister has promised to sing at my funeral. I hope she goes before I do.

"God is dead, but like, dead in a fun way" - Nietzsche trying to make a first date less awkward

I think the 2016 Cubs would beat the 1908 Cubs. First, the 1908 Cubs are all dead. Second, the 2016 Cubs are all alive.

The detective knew exactly what the murder weapon was. It was a brief case.

Hey big accounts - What's it like to tweet "My cat sneezed" and get 500 RT in the first minute ? My cat would be dead before I got 50

I think you should be able to plead "humidity" in some murder cases.

Today sucks but I really shouldn't complain. I've got it good compared to...well, dead people.

My God: dead. My world: disenchanted. My invitation on LinkedIn: declined.

Son: what will happen when I die? Me [lowers newspaper]: there'll be a lot of left over sandwiches & then we'll turn your room into a gym

Apparently, 4 people die every year trying to put their pants on... - me, explaining to my (ex)boss why I went in with no pants

[on phone with attorney] HIM: you're being charged for murder. ME: damn that sounds expensive i guess you can just put it on my Amex

New diet plan: murder all the skinny people.

If you find me dead after tweeting & driving, please hit SEND to get that final thought out there

People who drive very slowly cause me cognitive dissonance. They deserve to die, but appear less likely to do so...

[Being murdered at Walmart] Please will you dump my dead body at Target people can't know I shopped here

"Sit" dog sits "Down" dog lays down on floor "Play Dead" dog graduates college, finds job, gets married and has kids

I got my first email address in 1999 to keep in touch with a girl I met in Poland. She's dead now but I still use email.

I'm working on inventing an electronic Ouija board so that I can keep tweeting after I die.

I just googled "jokes to tell right before you die" and if that doesn't tell you what kind of person I am, I don't know what does.