Dark Humor Jokes

[death row] Okay Johnson, it's time. Any last requests? Pardon me? I said it's time, any lastah I see what you did there, Johnson. Good one

Apple: Words with Friends Twitter: Words w strangers FB: Words w relatives Ouija: Words w dead friends Prayer: Words w imaginary friends

Padme: Dating is scaring. I just want to find a nice guy who's not going to murder me. Anakin: You've chosen wisely.

If there's a "Mr." in front of your cat's name you're going to die alone.

*puts seashell up to ear* Me: I think I can hear the ocea- Seashell: Seven days. You will die in seven days. Me: (to friend) It's for you.

A lot of the parents at my kids' school don't really seem into sharing a laugh about the inescapability of death.

Priest: Marriage lasts until death. You're not married in heaven. Me: Why not? Wife: Then we'd be in hell.

You could murder someone in California and they wouldn't even arrest you as long as you properly composted the body.

no one at this funeral has mentioned what the hashtag is yet

Flowers: Because nothing says "sorry a loved one passed away" like something else that'll wither and die right in front of you

[wife explaining to me how deaths in movies work] So the actors really don't die? "No" So is Abraham Lincoln really not dead? *she sighs*

The reason we only have 1 moon is because if there were 2 they would look like a big pair of titys & everyone would die of horneyness

There's a dead squirrel in the driveway. Mrs. Liebowitz is worried that the death might be gang-related. She's checking FOX News to be sure.

I'm sure there'll be some making distasteful jokes about Williams' death. How annoying for them that he would have thought of funnier ones.

Since Walking Dead isn't on I've hid pot from my stoner friends. As they amble around looking for it I'm shooting them with paint ball guns.

upon my death: 1. tell my kids I loved them 2. give my daughter my jewelry 3. leave french fries in my coffin, just in case

I love arguing with you so much, I'll bring a Ouija board to your funeral.

For David Blaine's next trick, he will move in to a series of increasingly small apartments and eventually die alone.

a murder of crows, a pride of lions, a virgin of gamers

Some patients are going to die, & you have to learn to accept that. It's just part of being an extremely bad chiropractor.

I hate when people look at me and proclaim "well look what the cat dragged in". Do I look like a dead bird, small rodent, or used tampon?

"If you approach a bear in the woods, lie down and play dead" - brilliant rumor started by lazy bears

Just locked eyes with a four year old boy while I violently choked on a piece of popcorn. He didn't look away. He would have watched me die.

Someone just honked to get me to get out of my parking spot faster so now I have to sit here until both of us are dead

I'm opening a funeral home that has a bar in it. I know right?