Bear tip: If a bear is mauling you to death, challenge it to a maths quiz instead (mauling people to death is against the rules in quizzes)#Animals#Dark Humor0🔗 ShareWhatsApp
When I die I hope someone puts "In Memory Of Jenny Johnson" in old English lettering across the back windshield of their Buick Riviera.#Of Jenny Johnson#Dark Humor0🔗 ShareWhatsApp
[creating humans] God: They will have a powerful immune system Assistant: Boring God: ok some will die from eating a peanut A: Nice, nice#Dark Humor0🔗 ShareWhatsApp
Make her feel like she's the only woman on earth. Because nothing makes women happier than feeling like all other women are dead.#Dark Humor0🔗 ShareWhatsApp
If you've already died hard, how can you die harder, with a vengeance, live free and die hard again and then find a good day to die hard?#Dark Humor0🔗 ShareWhatsApp
There's a cricket living outside my apartment. I'm all "Cricket, it's winter, shouldn't you die?" and he's all "Chirp!" and we laugh.#Sports#Dark Humor0🔗 ShareWhatsApp
Just listened to a conversation between 3 people under 18 and now I don't know how my Mom or a stranger didn't murder me as a teenager.#Parents#Dark Humor0🔗 ShareWhatsApp
Girl you must be a freezer, because I want to put a dead clown in you.#Dark Humor#One-Liner0🔗 ShareWhatsApp
Being nice to people who don't deserve it is exhausting, but the feeling at the end of the day, when you're not in jail for murder, is nice.#Dark Humor0🔗 ShareWhatsApp
Who cares if you have regrets on your death bed. You're about to die. I have regret everyday and have like another 40 years of this garbage#Dark Humor0🔗 ShareWhatsApp
Ready to earn money staring at my screen all day so I can afford to go home & stare at my screen all night, repeating the process unto death#Money#Dark Humor0🔗 ShareWhatsApp
Some guy commented on my all-black outfit today: "So whose funeral is it?" I told him I haven decided yet.#Dark Humor#One-Liner0🔗 ShareWhatsApp
[Morgue] Cop: Sir, I know it's tough but we need you to ID the body Me looking at corpse: *takes deep breath* Areare you over 21?#Police#Dark Humor0🔗 ShareWhatsApp
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over? Me: No idea. I pretty much just zone out whenever I'm behind the wheel. Did anyone die?#Police#Dark Humor0🔗 ShareWhatsApp
If you think marijuana doesn't kill you've obviously never read the bible. People getting stoned to death left and right.#Religion#Dark Humor0🔗 ShareWhatsApp
A customer just told me that it takes a 14 mile run to work off 1 Oreo. Don't worry she's dead now#Dark Humor#One-Liner0🔗 ShareWhatsApp
I just want to be wealthy enough to fill a swimming pool with puppies. A lot of puppies are going to die but I think it will be worth it#Dark Humor0🔗 ShareWhatsApp
If you love something set it on fire. If it doesn't die, you have a dragon.#Dark Humor#One-Liner0🔗 ShareWhatsApp
Laugh, and the world laughs with you... Keep saying "LOL" out loud, and you'll die alone. (For Judy in Accounting)#Judy#Dark Humor#One-Liner0🔗 ShareWhatsApp
I'm 30 and my knees won't even let me leap down steps to catch a subway. So yes, I think the Die Hard franchise is unrealistic.#Dark Humor0🔗 ShareWhatsApp
[woman on death row] "Your last meal?" - I don't care. You pick. "Fish?" - Gross no "Steak?" - No. Anything is fine tho. "Pasta?" - Ew carbs#Animals#Dark Humor0🔗 ShareWhatsApp
A man at a cemetery for Titanic victims claims to have taken a photo of a ghost. The ghost reportedly said "there was room for two people."#Dark Humor0🔗 ShareWhatsApp
Things Women Over 30 Should Never Wear 1. exploding glove 2. ham sandwich 3. flaming fireplace 4. Dead bird helmet 6. shark eggs#Animals#Dark Humor0🔗 ShareWhatsApp
Flirting is a way of life, the moment you stop is when you're dead ... then your spouse cleans the gun and places it in your hand.#Marriage#Dark Humor0🔗 ShareWhatsApp