Dark Humor Jokes

*throws a grenade at Bruno Mars' girlfriend* *Bruno Mars appears out of nowhere and catches it* *it explodes and both of them die*

9: "Mom, that's a pretty necklace. Can I have it?" Me: "No, I got it as a gift." 9: "Well, can I have it when you die, then?"

Every time I make a poop joke, Dorothy Parker rolls in her grave. I should probably stop pooping there.

my car is dead & i saw a dead spider under the hood so like, do i need a new spider? i dont know a lot about how cars work

Die Hard (1988):A cop stops terrorists in a building Therapist:Sounds cool but lets discuss how ur parents named u the title/year of a movie

I swear, my kids will make me drive them to my own funeral. And then to the mall.

Sorry I hacked your e-cig. You've actually been vaping a dead bird for a month.

Every funeral is open-casket if you've got a crowbar and a sense of adventure.

maybe babys cry bc theyve realized their potential for greatness decreases w/ each passing secomd until they die an old soul w/ lost dreams

You're right, vegetarian. Meat IS murder. ...and I'm sure no bunnies, squirrels or mice died during the harvesting of your garden salad.

Therapist: It's been 8 years since the death of your parents. How are you coping? Bruce Wayne: I dress as a bat and beat up strangers now.

Usain Bolt runs at 31mph which sounds good, but if he hits a child there's a 40% chance they'll die.

#ThoughtsInMyHead 1. How much wine can a cat drink? 2. How do you resuscitate a drunk cat? 3. Will they do an autopsy on a dead cat?

If I die before I wake, I pray the lord has ice cream cake.

The living can't communicate with the dead, that's just seance fiction

I think tomorrow I'm going to respond to everyone using only lyrics from songs by The Dead Deads. Wish me some luck at the DMV.

When I die and doctors perform an autopsy, they'll probably find twenty pounds of stickers off of fruit in my intestines

People who continually put the toilet paper roll in backwards are evolutionary dead-ends, like the Neanderthal.

Please continue finishing your text in the crosswalk, Mr. Pedestrian. It's not like I'm driving a giant metal instrument of death.

*Detective stands over murder victim* This looks like a case of... *Takes off sunglasses* *Removes contacts* *Brushes teeth* *Goes to bed*

[first day as a coroner] me: he died at 11:42AM detective: are you positive me: it's hard with all this death but i'm hanging in there

I'll die fat, drunk & happy while you live healthy until you get run over by a bus... See ya at the cemetery!

TRUMP: I'm gonna lose, huh? RYAN: Yes. [silence] TRUMP: Thank God. RYAN: I know TRUMP: I'd be SO bad at it RYAN: We literally all might die

What If When You Die They Ask You "How Was Heaven?"

If I die, tell them to reconstruct me from sock DNA.