Dark Humor Jokes

Everyone: Why don't you have kids? *points to dead cactus*

No, of course I'm not mad. It's fine. *goes home, starts building a Death Star.

Death is not the end. You still have to dispose of the body and hide the evidence.

Don't ever try taking off a penguin's little tuxedo. All that's under there is a dead penguin.

CW: It's gonna get cold! Me: You're gonna die. CW: Excuse me? Me: Sorry, I thought we were pointing out the obvious.

Hub: Still mad? Me: Jack & Jill went up the hill H: To fetch a pail of water M: Jack fell down & died a violent death Hub: Ok, still mad

I'm very sorry for your loss, but do you know if this funeral home has wi-fi?

hello, this is the co-pilot speaking. the captain can't talk cause we both said "hope we don't die haha" at the same time and i jinxed him

I don't see enough dead people.

Drank orange juice right after brushing my teeth so I think I know what death feels like.

You are all invited to my murder shed, I mean my shed

My decorating style is calculated placement of sentimental things around the house, so after I die, my husband can't get laid.

How do people get their drivers to murder someone? Mine sulks if I ask him to fetch groceries.

Haha, murder? No officer, I just wanted to see what would happen if I planted a human

The secret of a long marriage is accepting the utter euphoria you would feel from strangling your spouse to death isn't worth life in jail.

i can guess how someone will die based on their clothes date: what about me? Hawaiian themed bathroom fire

We can play Yahtzee again. -You fixed the broken dice? Yeah. And they'll never break again. -How do you know? *grins* Die mends are forever.

Since only the good die young, I must have the shelf-life of a Twinkie.

Never mistake my silence for weakness. No one plans a murder out loud.

Old Testament: Death, plagues, vengeance New Testament: Forgiveness, love, wants you to call home Having a kid really mellowed God out.

Judge: Did you deal him a death blow with this custom crafted sword? Me: Yes, your honor, I smelt it and dealt it.. Jury: *giggles*

"Daddy, what happens when we die?" "You get married and have kids"

Walking dead spoiler alert. There are zombies and they like to try & eat people but the people are like "nuh uh zombie, we don't want that"

Killed a spider for my wife last night and got laid. Now every.spider.must.die.

People out there are trying to contact the dead and you're telling me you can't text back?