Dark Humor Jokes

I hope at my funeral someone has the foresight to bring a Ouija board so I can live tweet Hell.

I told my niece if I cut her open she would just be made of chicken quesadillas and she said if she cut me open I'd just be dead. Smart kid.

If you're with me when I die, remember 2 things: 1) Do Not Resuscitate 2) Smash Phone on Ground

I worry that people who say "I'll sleep when I'm dead" may have missed a Science class or two.

In Heaven all your lost pets are sitting around waiting to see you again. "I wish he'd die," says Cupcake. They all nod.

Each week our panel of 3 celebrity chefs compete to create the ultimate final meal for a death row inmate on LAST SUPPER, this fall on FOX

If I ever die, I'm going to be so mad about all the times I ate kale.

[girlfriend yelling] You have an unhealthy attachment to your pets with weird names! [she knocks over my dead hamster's shrine] GILGAMESH!

If your parents say, "You can be whatever you want to be when you grow up", remind them that they'll have to die for you to be Batman.

Watching my mom use an iPhone is like watching a 12 year old girl try and contact her dead grandma on a Ouija board.

Me:"If you ever give me another gift with 'some assembly required', you're dead to us." 6:*writing thank you card* But, um.. Me: Write it!

if daniel day-lewis dies the doctors will hav to make extra sure he's dead. he may just be acting dead and no one woud ever kno

What is the point of owning a fish? They are just furniture with the ability to die.

[oval office] SECRETARY: (shrieks) there's a dead rat on my desk! PRESIDENT WHO IS A CAT: wow someone must really like you *winks*

Obamacare? More like "Obama? I don't care for that guy!!!" Honk if you want poor people to die

"Nothing is certain, except death and taxis." Don't you mean "ta-- *gets run over by a cab*

I can't think of a better time to drop dead than at a New Year's Eve party right after everyone yells "...1!"

thought i wanted to die but turns out i was just hungry

Just received an email listing 5 ways to prevent divorce. 'Don't get married' wasn't on there. Or 'murder.' Stupid list.

Just got a holiday card from a doctor addressed to the dead guy who used to live here. Sending back a card that says "You suck at your job."

[homocide scene] DETECTIVE:"my god, in my 25 years on the force i've never seen a dead ghost." COP:"sir?, we covered the body with a sheet."

My friends & I were taking shots every time Trump interrupted Clinton. My BFF Chad is dead :(

I hate when my boyfriend's snoring wakes me up and then I realize it was my snoring and I don't have a boyfriend and I'm going to die alone.

Death be not proud. Death not so great with words, but happy to go out with any girl you want fix Death up with.

If abortion is murder then are condoms kidnaping?