[speaking at funeral] Deceased's brother: there's no words to describe the anguish we all feel right now Me: what about 'anguish'?#Dark Humor0🔗 ShareWhatsApp
I just read the words "untimely death" and thought, "Man, I hope my death is timely."#Dark Humor#One-Liner0🔗 ShareWhatsApp
On their death beds, I bet a lot of bad guys wish they would have turned around and watched more explosions.#Dark Humor#One-Liner0🔗 ShareWhatsApp
a gaggle of geese, a murder of crows, a genocide of seagulls, a holocaust of toucans#Dark Humor#One-Liner0🔗 ShareWhatsApp
Hey, guys! Let's get #Trending trending! Maybe for a moment we'll forget we're all going to die & our bodies will turn to garbage!#Dark Humor0🔗 ShareWhatsApp
How do you end an argument with a woman? Tell her to calm down. You're dead now but the argument is over.#Dark Humor#One-Liner0🔗 ShareWhatsApp
Cop: Where were you at the time of the murder? Me: I'd trapped myself in a Tupperware container Cop: Damn, that's an air tight alibi#Police#Dark Humor0🔗 ShareWhatsApp
Murder is like art, as long as you can bullshit your way into justifying it, someone out there will be like "oh yeah, I totally get it."#Dark Humor0🔗 ShareWhatsApp
Life plan: 1. Befriend shady people. 2. Witness a murder. 3. Enter witness protection & get new name. 4. So long student loans!#School#Dark Humor0🔗 ShareWhatsApp
You know you're getting old when you forget the name of the street you grew up on and break your hip and die.#Dark Humor#One-Liner0🔗 ShareWhatsApp
"if i die young bury in me in starbucks lay me down on a bed of coffee beans" the white girl writes in her will#Starbucks#Dark Humor#One-Liner0🔗 ShareWhatsApp
I appreciate when aerobic instructors say "Don't forget to breathe" because I sometimes forget and then I die.#Dark Humor#One-Liner0🔗 ShareWhatsApp
Hello, Gotham Child Services. Oh dear. Both dead? My my. Well, does the child have a Butler that can raise him? Cos it's a lot of paperwork.#Gotham Child Services#Kids#Dark Humor0🔗 ShareWhatsApp
Detective Baby: We got you dead to rights, dirtbag. *suspect puts face in hands* Detective Baby: HE'S ESCAPED#Kids#Police#Dark Humor#One-Liner0🔗 ShareWhatsApp
Star sign logic: Some good things will happen to u and then some bad things will happen. It'll pretty much continue like this until u die.#Dark Humor0🔗 ShareWhatsApp
The first sin in the Bible was eating an apple. The second was murder. That escalated quickly.#Religion#Dark Humor#One-Liner0🔗 ShareWhatsApp
WIFE: [crying] guess what my sister just told me ME: she's a liar WIFE: are you saying her dog didn't die? ME: [wiping sweat] I love you#Animals#Marriage#Dark Humor0🔗 ShareWhatsApp
In Photoshop, is there any way to make it look like I'm not dead inside?#Dark Humor#One-Liner0🔗 ShareWhatsApp
Accidentally played dad instead of dead when I encountered a bear and now it can ride a bike without training wheels.#Animals#Parents#Dark Humor#One-Liner0🔗 ShareWhatsApp
People who say their migraine is going to be the death of them are totally right because I just killed a lady right after she said that.#Dark Humor0🔗 ShareWhatsApp
When I die, I'm donating my body to the theater department. Any jerk could donate their body to science. I can't wait to be a theater prop.#Science#Dark Humor0🔗 ShareWhatsApp
I refuse to participate in scavenger hunts because it's still murder to shoot people even if they were digging in dumpsters.#Dark Humor0🔗 ShareWhatsApp
I don't wish anybody dead, but a well placed nasty rash on you would kind of make my day.#Dark Humor#One-Liner0🔗 ShareWhatsApp