HIM: You know what we should do at our wedding reception? [at the same time] ME: Murder-suicide HIM: The chicken dance!

"Sit" dog sits "Down" dog lays down on floor "Play Dead" dog graduates college, finds job, gets married and has kids

*throws a dead pigeon at jerk who cut me off in traffic* Wife: Hun, I don't think "flipping the bird" means what you think it means.

*Husband buys me flowers* Me: Aw sweet, but don't waste money on things that are going to die. Him: But you keep buying the cat food.