Dark Humor Jokes

I'll bet even homeless people look at funeral homes and think, "Nope. I'd rather stay out here."

I scream, you scream, this funeral just got more interesting.

The nice thing about being a hypochondriac is eventually you'll be right, then die while going, "See? Told you."

[ brings ouija board to your grave ] "Okay, now will you tell me why her number was in your phone?"

Me: I snuck in my own candy and a drink Her: This is a funeral home Me: Without a snack bar

[Romeo and Juliet as turtles] ROMEO: Death hath sucked the honey of thy breath JULIET: I'm just stuck on my back R: we're turtles, Juliet

A death metal song about an Excel spreadsheet not doing what I want.

HR: "You've put Kurt Russell down as an emergency contact." Me: "Yeah, I'd like to meet him before I die. Dude is a legend."

from Jabba the Hutt's perspective Star Wars is the story of a guy who owed him money and then instead of paying had his friends murder him

When I die, just throw the laundry in my grave with me. I want to die exactly as I lived.

That awkward moment when you die, and all you were trying to do was take a selfie with a lion on a jungle safari..

After the delicious brownies have all been consumed following my funeral, a video of me will inform everyone that they just ate my ashes.

2Pac died because he lived the thug life. This 6 pack is going to die because I live the chug life.

"Out with the dead, in with the old." - Nursing homes

Henry constantly confuses sleeping people with dead people. Henry is also a necrophiliac so things get awkward for Henry quick

The next person to tell me I should quit smoking for New Years is gonna be responsible for me breaking this year's "no murder" resolution.

If you die in a plane crash, you also die in real life. That's just what I heard.

The first person to milk a cow probably saw a baby cow nursing and was like oh yeah people do that too and I have no food I don't wanna die

*waits for a sign* *dead bird falls from sky* *waits for another, better sign*

ME: I'm gonna plug my Twitter handle. WIFE: Please don't. ME: I'm gonna do it *walks to the microphone in front of the funeral*

HER: You promised me you were over your Bruce Willis obsession. ME: Sorry. Old habits die hard with a vengeance.

Someone flipped me off so I threw my wallet at him and said "I love you." He didn't even die. Killing people with kindness is hard.

A fun thing to do would be to eat rat poison during a dinner party & then, when you die, they'll blame the host's cooking. Lol.

I'd rather spend my Saturday with the dead arm from '127 Hours' than attend a baby shower.

If you know a clumsy person you secretly wish would die, give them some rollerblades.