me: time to apologize. did you eat the receipt? 8: yup me: ok cause if mom finds out we bought these flowers at the grocery store we're dead#Parents#Dark Humor0🔗 ShareWhatsApp
My wife and I are walking through Central Park and pointing out all of the places that we remember seeing dead bodies on Law & Order.#Central Park#Law And Order#Marriage#Dark Humor0🔗 ShareWhatsApp
When I die I want my hand to be glued in a thumbs up, and my body lowered into molten steel.#Dark Humor#One-Liner0🔗 ShareWhatsApp
When I watch an '80s movie I can't help but think about how all those malls are dead now.#Dark Humor#One-Liner0🔗 ShareWhatsApp
Everyone quits smoking when they die, which sucks cause dying is a really stressful event that would be helped quite a bit by a cigarette.#Dark Humor0🔗 ShareWhatsApp
If I'm ever reincarnated I hope I get to be a bear because I'll be like "stop playing dead, I used to be human. That shits not gonna work!"#Animals#Dark Humor0🔗 ShareWhatsApp
When I die, before my will is read, I want my entire Google search history revealed and whoever is left in the room gets it all.#Google#Dark Humor0🔗 ShareWhatsApp
Irrational fear 807: being spoken to by a comedian during their performance. I would die a thousand proverbial deaths and a single real one.#Dark Humor0🔗 ShareWhatsApp
The truth will set you free. Unless the truth is you committed murder. In which, the truth will get you 25 to life.#Dark Humor#One-Liner0🔗 ShareWhatsApp
being a writer is a great job if you love looking at a blinking cursor and wishing you were dead.#Dark Humor#One-Liner0🔗 ShareWhatsApp
35% of all hospital deaths are caused by the attending physician failing to yell "Don't you die on me!" at the right moment.#Doctor#Dark Humor0🔗 ShareWhatsApp
me: just tell me I don't die in an Arby's bathroom stall Death: [sadly looking up from his book] look, what matters is how you lived#Dark Humor0🔗 ShareWhatsApp
.@tonyhawk Will you kick flip over my coffin at my funeral? Need to know by Friday.#Dark Humor#One-Liner0🔗 ShareWhatsApp
When I die I want my funeral to be closed casket but like half way thru someone opens the lid and surprise - it's a nacho bar inside#Bar#Dark Humor0🔗 ShareWhatsApp
*interrupts eulogy* SOMEONE SAID THAT ALMOST WORD FOR WORD AT THE LAST FUNERAL#Dark Humor#One-Liner0🔗 ShareWhatsApp
[angrily taking off banana suit] "Why didn't you tell me we were going to a funeral"#Dark Humor#One-Liner0🔗 ShareWhatsApp
"It helps knowing that everyone else will die with me if we crash." ~my 11yo on why she's not afraid to fly unaccompanied#Dark Humor0🔗 ShareWhatsApp
My stepson and his friend are driving around in my car. If he wrecks it, I have insurance. If he plays Nickelback in it, I'll murder him.#Driving#Dark Humor0🔗 ShareWhatsApp
I can't wait for the next Oscars dead-person montage when all the celebs Joan Rivers insulted have to applaud her.#Joan Rivers#Dark Humor#One-Liner0🔗 ShareWhatsApp
Beer before liquor, never sicker. Toothpaste before orange juice, dead.#Bar#Dark Humor#One-Liner0🔗 ShareWhatsApp
Feeling sad because my hamster died... Well he's not 'technically' dead yet, but I ran out of food so it's really just a matter of days.#Food#Dark Humor0🔗 ShareWhatsApp
[hugging mom at sister's funeral] "And you said I'd never be your favorite"#Parents#Dark Humor#One-Liner0🔗 ShareWhatsApp
If you die from one of the diseases you can get on The Oregon Trail, I'm gonna laugh at you. Sorry.#The Oregon Trail#Dark Humor#One-Liner0🔗 ShareWhatsApp
*Killer sneaks into my house to murder me but sees me practicing karate w/ my big stuffed dog I won from the carnival and changes his mind*#Animals#Dark Humor0🔗 ShareWhatsApp