Dark Humor Jokes

When I die I already know my last words will be. "but I'm still hungry"

Him: I hope you die a slow painful death Me: oh, no I'm not married

Don't kill yourself over a boy, he'll bring another girl to your funeral.

Pretty certain the day I die my body will be found tangled in Saran Wrap with an untouched sandwich on the counter.

I hope one day to have the chance to whisper "what's she doing here?" to the person next to me at a funeral.

Before I die I want to see a dog run out of a butchers shop with a string of sausages hanging out of its mouth.

It's hard to fall asleep because I don't trust myself to not die.

write your suicide note in frosting on a cake so no one can eat it and people will still hate you even though you are dead

The only good part about choking to death on Teddy Grahams is your family can technically say you were killed by bears. Which sounds cool.

Nobody suspects that you're digging a grave when you're always working on your landscape.

Whoever speaks at my funeral will probably just look over at my casket and say "well, she was always kind of like this."

My cat and I made a best friend pact tonight. If I die first, he won't eat my body. Or if he dies first, I won't use his skull as a cup.

"Look we LOVE the script for 'Murder Bees', just change the name to 'My Girl' and you've got yourself a movie!!"

NIETZSCHE: god is dead! he remains dead! and we have killed him! ME AS NIETZSCHE'S LAWYER: your honour we're gonna need a recess

71-yr-old Jimmy Page is dating a 25-yr-old. The age difference may seem huge now, but it won't be as big a deal when she's 28 and he's dead.

Flirtation tip: glue a dead wasp to your hand before the date, then snatch at the air beside her head and show her the wasp. Say "close one"

Mario Bros. Plumbing (69 Reviews) Hired them to clear my drain, stomped my turtle to death and ran off with my girlfri.... (Read More)

[after my murder] COP: Can u think why anyone would want to kill him? WIFE: Christ yes *starts Power Point presentation* Make yourself comfy

My mom moved me away from Texas as a kid, statistically decreasing the chance I ever get the death penalty and that's pretty cool

Scientists use dead bodies? Jesus, I know they're nerds but they should still be able to make living friends.

If you zoom out during the opening credits of "Friends," you'll see that the security guard who protects that fountain is DEAD.

Ouija board......"your going to die!" Me: you're*

[funeral] He looks so natural. Ya, but he looks a little stiff. *raises from the dead* "That's what... *gargle* ...she said." *dies again*

Annoucement: At my funeral, all my tweets shall be recited. I will then haunt whomever leaves first, demanding honest feedback for eternity.

COP: There's been a murder BATMAN: I won't rest until I avenge them C: It's outside of Gotham B: Actually I have got a lot on at the moment