Little Kid: wanna hear a joke? Me: life is meaningless without death Little Kid: why did the chicken cro- wait what?#Animals#Kids#Dark Humor#One-Liner0🔗 ShareWhatsApp
When I die I want my remains poured out of an airplane over the Grand Canyon. But don't cremate me. Just dump my body on some tourists.#Grand Canyon#Airplane#Dark Humor0🔗 ShareWhatsApp
Just once in movies when someone gently shuts a dead person's eyes I want them to whisper "Ew, ew, ew, ew." while doing it.#Dark Humor0🔗 ShareWhatsApp
LASSIE: Arf! What's that girl? Timmy's in the old well? L: Arf arf He's dead? You sure? L: Arf! Okay here's a check for $5K L: ima need cash#Timmys#Dark Humor0🔗 ShareWhatsApp
I'm gonna hire a person to speak at my funeral and say a bunch of crazy stuff about me so my friends and family think I had a secret life.#Dark Humor0🔗 ShareWhatsApp
The person sleeping next to you is statistically more likely to murder you than any other person on the entire planet. Do the dishes.#Dark Humor0🔗 ShareWhatsApp
"He died doing what he loved..." I'm not dead "Interrupting my jokes"#Dark Humor#One-Liner0🔗 ShareWhatsApp
If you don't have your Florida ID with you on voting day, you can always show them a photo of yourself wearing a tank top to a funeral.#Florida#Dark Humor0🔗 ShareWhatsApp
I always keep an old key and a map with random X's all over it in my pocket so that shortly after my death occurs a treasure hunt ensues.#Pirate#Dark Humor0🔗 ShareWhatsApp
Yelp* now has jail reviews. (true) Felon87: Try for Block C. Great ambient lighting, management is courteous & the risotto is 'to die for'.#Block C Great#Dark Humor0🔗 ShareWhatsApp
These days HD is so good, when you watch an NFL game you can see the murder evidence.#NFL#Dark Humor#One-Liner0🔗 ShareWhatsApp
At my funeral, I'd like my family, my closest friends, and a high-pitched squeal no one can locate the source of#Dark Humor#One-Liner0🔗 ShareWhatsApp
A pinata at my funeral so people will be happy.. but filled with bees so they're not too happy.#Dark Humor#One-Liner0🔗 ShareWhatsApp
I don't believe death is the end. In my heart I know that, long after I'm gone, I will continue to receive Hot Summer Deal!!! emails.#Summer Deal#Dark Humor0🔗 ShareWhatsApp
WHAT I ORDER: French toast WHAT WAITER HEARS: If my water goes below the brim you die#Dark Humor#One-Liner0🔗 ShareWhatsApp
You'll get this gun when you pry it out of my cold dead ow hey give that back#Dark Humor#One-Liner0🔗 ShareWhatsApp
Wow, the guy buried alive with weed in his pocket must be rolling in his grave right now.#Dark Humor#One-Liner0🔗 ShareWhatsApp
In the updated version of The Sixth Sense, Bruce Willis figures out he's dead when he sees his name trending on Twitter.#Bruce Willis#Twitter#Dark Humor0🔗 ShareWhatsApp
[interview] So what's a personal strength? "Honesty." And a failing? "I murder people who don't hire me."#Work#Dark Humor#One-Liner0🔗 ShareWhatsApp
Wife: Are you coming or not? Me: Is there gonna be alcohol? Wife: It's your grandmother's funeral! M:... Wife: NO! Me: Then I'm not coming.#Marriage#Aging#Bar#Dark Humor0🔗 ShareWhatsApp
When I die, please bury me wrapped in a sheet. That way I won't have to look for one when I become a ghost#Dark Humor#One-Liner0🔗 ShareWhatsApp
If Bruce Willis does any more Die Hard movies it will just be 90 minutes of him sitting in a rocking chair waiting to die from the flu.#Bruce Willis#Dark Humor0🔗 ShareWhatsApp
[prison] CELLMATE: what are you in for? ME: (actually in jail for jumping a fence to hug a panda) murder#Dark Humor#One-Liner0🔗 ShareWhatsApp