My husband went camping w/ his buddies. He packed a hatchet, 2 liters of Jack & a 3yo's Hello Kitty sleeping bag. He's gonna die out there.#Jack And#Marriage#Dark Humor0🔗 ShareWhatsApp
A key difference between keeping a cat & chimp as a pet, is a cat will eat your face off when you die. But chimps lack that kind of patience#Cat And Chimp#Animals#Dark Humor0🔗 ShareWhatsApp
"Archeology is just like search and rescue only everyone's been dead for 5,000 years, so there's no rush"#Dark Humor#One-Liner0🔗 ShareWhatsApp
There are so many people outside, and so much yelling, and I genuinely genuinely don't know if it's a murder or a rare Pokemon.#Dark Humor0🔗 ShareWhatsApp
wait did that Australian guy say "meteorite" or "mate are ya alright?" *gets hit by a meteorite* "hey mate are ya alri... no you're dead*#Dark Humor0🔗 ShareWhatsApp
Before I Die, I Want My Last Words To Be " I Burried The Million Dollars Under The..."#Dark Humor#One-Liner0🔗 ShareWhatsApp
If someone finds a corpse, in the river off 4th St., in a blue suitcase, it wasn't me.#Dark Humor#One-Liner0🔗 ShareWhatsApp
Flight attendant: "will you perform exit row duties in the event of an emergency?" Me: "yes" In my head: "No we're all gonna die"#Airplane#Dark Humor0🔗 ShareWhatsApp
The reason Latin is a dead language is because they kept accidentally summoning demons during regular conversations#Dark Humor#One-Liner0🔗 ShareWhatsApp
"Dad, why did Jesus have to die on the cross?" "He didn't do his 1st grade homework."#School#Parents#Dark Humor#One-Liner0🔗 ShareWhatsApp
If I ever murder anyone I'm going to hide the body on my second or third page of favstar where no one will ever find it#Dark Humor#One-Liner0🔗 ShareWhatsApp
The closest I've been to murder is holding my choco-chip cookie under the milk until the bubbles stop...#Dark Humor#One-Liner0🔗 ShareWhatsApp
the saddest part about self driving cars will be all the times people die mid trip and then ur dinner guests or pizza guy will arrive dead#Food#Driving#Dark Humor0🔗 ShareWhatsApp
so long suckers! i rev up my motorcylce and create a huge cloud of smoke. when the cloud dissipates im lying completely dead on the pavement#Rev#Dark Humor0🔗 ShareWhatsApp
every year you pass your birthday and know that you were born that day but every year you pass your death day and have no clue#Dark Humor0🔗 ShareWhatsApp
Her: Where ya been? Me: At the cemetery. Her: Someone dead? Me: Yeah. All of them.#Dark Humor#One-Liner0🔗 ShareWhatsApp
One time dad asked what my five-year plan was, and I said "death or becoming a pirate king" and he threw my cat Alan at me#Alan#Animals#Parents#Pirate+1 more0🔗 ShareWhatsApp
If you receive a text from Liam Neeson that says "LMAO," it stands for "let's murder Albanians overseas" and he wants his daughter back.#Liam Neeson#Dark Humor0🔗 ShareWhatsApp
If you're not carrying around matchbooks from places you've been recently I don't know why you don't want your murder to be solved#Dark Humor0🔗 ShareWhatsApp
my cousin jeff died today. sent flowers to the family with a little card saying "jeff is dead" so they know what the flowers are for#Jeff#Dark Humor0🔗 ShareWhatsApp
[looking at an old pic of me and my wife in college] Me: Wow, you used to be hot Wife: *death glare* Me: ...but not as hot as you are now#Marriage#School#Dark Humor0🔗 ShareWhatsApp
When I die, can you do me a favor and tell my wife that I loved her? Thanks. Oh and delete my tweets. My password is thisbitchiskillingme.#Marriage#Dark Humor0🔗 ShareWhatsApp
So my drug dealer just died. I'm thinking about going to his funeral to, you know, network.#Dark Humor#One-Liner0🔗 ShareWhatsApp
It's funny how you think it's your cat leaving all those dead birds on your doorstep.#Animals#Dark Humor#One-Liner0🔗 ShareWhatsApp